Just Friends
by blindspotpainter
Summary: Set in New Moon, soon after the Cullens return to Forks. Only in this version, Edward doesn't get the chance to explain why he left. Instead, Bella convinces him that they can be "just friends". Yeah ... good luck with that one Bella.
1. I Say I Don't Love You

_SM owns all things Twilight. This is rated M._

_This is my second fanfiction (see also, You Don't Know What to Do So You Do Anything You Like). I'd love to hear what you think. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my favorite stories, the ones that were so good I stayed up all night reading them. _

Worst of Weather/Rose Like Thunder – _yellowglue_

How to Save a Life – _unholy obsession_

Dark Cravings – _readingtime_

Empty Panes and Pretty Things – _AydenMorgan_

Just Friends

Setting: New Moon, soon after the Cullens return to Forks. Only in this version, Edward doesn't get the chance to explain why he left. Instead, Bella convinces him that they can be "just friends".

_I say I don't love you_

Chemistry, my last class of the day. I sat on a high stool at the lab table, nervously jiggling my ankle and staring at the scratched Bunson burner I was supposed to use for whatever assignment the teacher was explaining. At least, I assume that's what he was doing. He could have been telling us about his plan to off himself this weekend with a pipet of H2SO4, or his wife's affair with Tiger Woods. I wasn't listening. For perhaps the hundredth time I noticed how the handle for the gas pipe closest my seat was installed just off center, so that no matter how tightly you turned it, it always looked as if the faucet was slightly on. I sighed, and leaned in minutely and surreptitiously took a breath, smelling the air for a hint that gas was poisoning all of us, me first. Well, almost all of us. Those of us who were breathing oxygen out of habit rather than necessity had no need to worry.

The teacher stopped talking and I decided to risk a glance across the table. As always, my eyes were drawn up and over to the seat across from me every moment that I didn't consciously avert them. I tried to stare down most of the class, because if I raised my head, no matter where I started out looking, my eyes drifted smoothly back to him without my asking them to, like water flowing downhill. Instead of meeting my eyes, Edwardrose and strolled casually to the front, probably to excuse himself for an unnecessary visit to the bathroom. Watching Edward walk away was so enjoyable I almost didn't mind that I would miss some of my precious minutes close to him. He was wearing black pants, and a thin gray t-shirt that hugged the muscles of his back. If only he still wanted me . . . my body would have trailed after him like a magnet instead of just my eyes. I would have pushed him against the wall, pressed my soft chest against his rock hard one. He would have smiled that trademark half-grin and let himself fall back, even though I could never overpower him. I would have touched my lips to his and then slid my tongue against his bottom lip, tasting his delicious mouth while his biceps tensed and flexed beneath my small hands. His long dexterous fingers would find my small waist and caress down over the curve of my hips, then back up along the sides of my ribs to brush against the soft swell of my breasts . . . I'll never stop being grateful he can't read _my _mind.

I spend my days sitting across the table from him, hyper aware of the proximity of his muscled forearms and lean, talented fingers resting on the table. Walking by him on the way to my seat and forcing myself to keep moving past rather than falling into his lap. Surreptitiously drinking in his delicious scent, planning each casual glance in his direction with careful forethought, as though he was a combination lock and there was some magic pattern of sidelong stares that would rouse him from his casual indifference, and make him look at me again, make him _want _me again. I'd roll my pencil across the table toward him, giving me an excuse to glance as far up as his broad chest, while pretending to retrieve my pencil. Then, I'd industriously study the poster on the wall behind him (A picture of a smiling scientist holding up a beaker and the caption "If you're not part of the solution . . . you're part of the precipitate."), imagining running my fingers though that ridiculously sexy hair. Trying all the while not to remember that while he was a stunning (immortal) male specimen, I was average, plain, bland, slow and human. And we both knew it.

It was humiliating to pass my time in this way day after day, in completely useless pursuit of something I was pretending I did not want. But I'm the only one who knows to be ashamed. He does not know how he fills my thoughts, how he haunts my dreams, how just the sound of his name makes my head whip around involuntarily and my heart race. He thinks we're friends. Friends! How the hell did I get here?

I remembered the moment I betrayed my own heart, the moment I looked into his eyes and realized that there was a chance to bring him near again, to resurrect a half-life from the blank emptiness of existence that yawned before me. In Volterra.

_Reviews?_


	2. Chapter 2

_But You Know I'm a Liar_

Edward held me gently in his lap while we waited for dark so the Volturi would let us leave. I wiggled closer to his granite chest and tried to burn this last embrace in my memory. "Bella," he said, turning my chin up with his forefinger and gazing apologetically into my eyes. Uh-oh. There was going to be another speech. He was going to leave. Again. His remorse and guilt were a canyon between us, driving him away. This was going to kill me this time, only now even that way was blocked, now that I knew how he might react. Stupid upstanding moral fiber, ridiculous self-recriminating vampire. The years ahead stretched out in front of me, stark and ghastly. I couldn't do this. Unless . . . maybe . . . maybe he didn't have to go. He must have known how pathetically attached I was to him, that's why he left. He thought a clean break would be best, he didn't know I broke every day again. Maybe if he thought I was over him, if I had truly moved on, he wouldn't have to leave again. Maybe he could _come back. _Suddenly, hope flickered dangerously in my chest. I eased myself reluctantly off his lap. "Edward," I said, trying not to let my face show the way I savored the feel of his name on my tongue, "You don't have to feel guilty anymore. I know you went to Italy because Alice thought I jumped off that cliff on purpose and you felt responsible, but it wasn't like that!" He was looking at me strangely, almost angrily, and he opened his mouth to speak. I needed to lie better. "No, Edward, wait. You were right." He froze at my words and I plunged desperately on. "I und-erstand now why we couldn't be together. It was crazy for us to try it. I've moved on!" I blurted out. I tried to move to a light, teasing tone, but somehow it came out a little bitter. "Don't you think making the whole family leave town was a little overdramatic?"

"You're right. I should never have left." My criticism must have provoked him, he seemed annoyed, or maybe even angry, and his eyes were black as midnight. I needed to get this back on track. I wasn't here to berate him for what he did, I was here to convince him he hadn't done anything. "Edward," I said placing my hand on his muscled forearm and trying not to jump at the electric shock that shot through me at the touch. "I still care for you, but it's not like before. I think you should all consider coming back to Forks. It's not fair to your family to have to leave a place that was so perfect for you, and I've missed Alice, and I want us to be . . . friends."

For a long moment he stared into my eyes, no doubt reaching out of habit to read my mind. How strange it felt to lie to him, knowing no one else could. He looked so sad for a moment, I thought he was going to say no, but then he smiled that heart-stopping half-grin and held out his right hand. "All right then Little One. Friends." I gulped, smiled back. But what have I done?


	3. Chapter 3

**Slip Sliding Away **

_I wasn't planning on writing an EPOV, but everyone seemed to want it, so I decided to give it a shot . Let me know what you think . . ._

**EPOV**

Like most vampires, I assumed that I had experienced the most pain of my immortal existence during my transformation. After three days of venom searing through my nerve endings, I thought that nothing would ever hurt quite as much again. Then Rosalie called to tell me about Alice's vision of Bella killing herself, and that feeling paled in comparison. The pain roared over me in an intense thundering wave, ripping through me over and over. One of Alice's constant visions had finally come true, for Alice had never stopped seeing Bella's split fate as dead or undead, even after we left, though she tried to keep it from me. She was dead, she was gone, and nothing could bring her back. The world was empty, a black hole of never-ending grief. I was a grotesque monster in it, an ugly horror that had destroyed the one thing in the world that was pure and true.

So Bella telling me that she didn't love me anymore and that she only wanted to be friends was only a pale grey shadow of pain over the miracle that she was alive. Her confession that she no longer loved me laid a dull ache upon my dead heart, but in her very words there was comfort, for it was her sweet voice speaking them and her precious breath between them. A selfish part of me wished she could still love me, but the better and more civilized part saw that I had irrevocably proven myself unworthy of her, and was glad that she could have the normal, happy life she deserved. Moreover, I could finally protect her the way I should have always done. I should have always been her true friend, and nothing more. To take more from her was hubris, and folly. I now knew that I had not the strength to deny her anything, no matter the danger to her fragile body or her soul, so I was deeply grateful that what she asked for was what was good for her, and what I would have chosen for her myself if I had had the strength.

I found it surprisingly easy to suppress my feelings around her, now that I knew my romantic advances were unwanted. Her innocent cotton tank tops and tight blue jeans still awoke long dormant desires, but I knew she wasn't meant for me, so I simply turned away. It was only when she stared at me occasionally in class with her wide brown eyes penetrating mine that I vividly remembered the feeling of her silky soft skin shivering beneath my hands, the touch of her wet, hot mouth upon my cold hard body, and I found my pants uncomfortably tight and had to excuse myself to the restroom for a few calming moments. Yes, I was managing to keep my hands off her quite impressively well despite the way the venom pooled in my mouth at her delectable scent, and the way my body reacted to her when she was near. I did not, however, find it so easy to stay away from her. I was still watching her sleep every night, rationalizing that she needed my protection if she insisted on leaving the window open for intruders. Never mind that I was the only intruder in the small town of Forks. I tried to convince myself I wasn't stalking her. Stalkers obsessively followed their targets, right? I was more of a front-follower. I saw her slip and almost fall one day on the ramp to the lunchroom, and that afternoon I made sure the school maintenance crew started salting the sidewalks. I overheard her telling her mom that she missed the Mexican sodas she could get in Phoenix, and I talked (actually bribed) the local grocery store manager into carrying a few brands.

I was delighted to be near her again, and to see her happy again. I saw glimpses in her friends' memories that showed me she how sad she was right after we left. I cringed over the way I had hurt her, and tried in vain to block the memory of the lies I'd told her, but I was satisfied that she was almost fully recovered from the inevitable difficulty of getting over her first crush. I did dread the day that she would find another to replace me in her heart, but I comforted myself with the knowledge that it might not be until college, as she had already turned down practically every male in Forks.

Everything seemed fine, she had good friends, solid grades, a family that loved her, and a shiny monster secretly trying to smooth the path in front of her adorably clumsy feet. A bright future lay before her and above all, she was safe. And yet . . . and yet, and yet, she was almost imperceptibly slipping away, day by day. She took just a moment too long to respond to questions. She stared into space sometimes for a whole class and had to borrow my notes (I took them only so that I would be able to offer them to her, and when she returned them I had to resist the urge to lick them, the scent was so intoxicating). I counted out her heartbeats and estimated her blood pressure, trying to rule out the possibility that she was falling ill. I attempted to rouse her from her trance by speaking to her, but she only seemed worse when I was around, so I stayed away more. I even followed Charlie a few times, searching his mind for some explanation, but he didn't seem to have noticed anything wrong. She was right in front of me, but she was disappearing. I was starting to quietly panic. Then Alice had a vision.

The vision overtook Alice one Friday evening while we were driving home from a trip to the grocery store to "stock up". In the vision, Bella had awakened and returned to herself completely. Her eyes were bright and clear, and filled with defiance. The image was so vivid in Alice's mind that Bella seemed to be looking right at me. To my shock, Jessica appeared in the vision and handed Bella a shot of liquor, and Bella downed it. Then the vision went black and Bella reappeared a few moments later in the middle of a crowded party scene, only now her eyes were glazed and fearful. A number of large guys I didn't recognize were closing in on her. "No!" I exclaimed. I pulled the parking brake and threw the car into a 180 turn, spinning back towards Bella's house. I could stop her in time, I would make sure she didn't go.

"You can't," Alice told me softly, easily reading my intention. "You haven't got the right."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Jiminy Cricket**_

**BPOV**

There was a moment every day right after I woke up when I panicked, certain I had lost something terribly important, or forgotten to do something that was a matter of life or death. Then I remembered. I forgot to be someone Edward could love forever. I forgot to make him want me the way I wanted him. And I lost him. Then I dragged myself to school where I could see every day what I had lost. Occasionally Edward would speak to me, but the rest of the Cullens stayed away. I understood, they were his family, but I missed them. Once, about a week after we returned from Volterra, I caught Jasper looking back and forth between me and Edward with confusion or perhaps concern, and I thought he was going to come and speak to me. I wondered if perhaps Edward's bloodlust was becoming a problem, now wasn't he wasn't in love with me, _or pretending to be, _but Alice simply rested one small hand on Jasper's forearm and gave her head a minimal shake, and he never came over to me.

I'd taken to hanging out with Angela and the rest of the group at lunch and in between classes, trying to uphold the illusion that I was a regular teenager, that I didn't spend half my time fantasizing about Edward losing control, making me a vampire, and then slowly falling in love with me. I tried to pretend that waking up every morning wasn't a disappointment. My efforts to be normal and friendly must have worked somewhat, because one day Jessica caught me lost in space in the Chemistry room. "Hey, Bella," she said, interrupting my reverie. The room was empty. Huh. I guess class was over. "So, are you coming to Tyler's party tomorrow night?"

"Oh, um, I don't know."

"C'mon Bella, it's going to be so fantastic. His parents have a pool table, and a hot tub, and I heard some of his brother's friends from college are going to be there. Hot. College. Guys. You have to come!"

"Ok." Arguing seemed like a lot of energy. Plus, I didn't have anything else to do and a party would at least keep me out of my room for awhile, where every night I stared at the window, so ashamed to open it and have no one go through it, but unable to sleep until I did open it.

"Great! Lauren is driving, we'll come by and pick you up at 8. Actually, wait, what are you planning on wearing?"

"Jess, I just found out I was going, I haven't planned what I was going to wear." She narrowed her eyes. "In that case, you obviously don't understand how important it is. We will come at 6 and we'll all get ready at your house!

Jessica and Angela were already ready when they got to my house, no doubt they knew they would need to focus on me. Jessica was in a white baby doll top and miniature khaki skirt and Angela in a pretty gray silk halter and black hot pants. I expected Jessica to pull an outfit out of her bag, but instead she brought forth a couple of bottles of Smirnoff Ice.

I accepted the drink because it was easier than arguing, but as I took the first cold gulp, I suddenly realized, I _wanted_ to drink. I'd always rather looked down my nose at teen drinking. I thought the other kids were just trying to be cool and impress each other and rebel against their parents. It suddenly occurred to me that there might be things they wanted to forget. That they might be desperate for a little fun, to feel alive, to let loose. Or certain they had already ruined themselves with a bad test score, or a bad decision, _or a lie they told _and thinking that if they could mess up further it would matter less.

After we finished the bottles, Jessica gave me a shot of Tequila, which I dutifully threw back. The liquor seeped down through the layers of my subconscious, flooding some errant thoughts I'd suppressed to the surface. I wasn't just sad anymore. I was angry. Why had he changed his mind about me? What gave him the right to take that away? I know he wanted me at some point. I could _feel _it. Maybe if I was a little less innocent, I would know what to do to make him mine again. He didn't even have to love me, my love would be enough. I would be satisfied to be just a distraction. He just had to want me.

Jessica pulled out my outfit for the night, and Slutty Bella, apparently someone who appears on my shoulder after about three drinks, nodded sagely in approval. Skin tight skinny jeans, a lace blue bustier top, and murderously high fuck me peep-toe ankle boots. Jessica squealed when I came out of the bathroom and twirled slowly, awkwardly around. "You look soo hot Bella." "You too Jess." I said. Suddenly an evil thought occurred to me. Rather than an Angel and a Devil, or a little green cricket, alcohol apparently caused Slutty Bella and Angry Bella to manifest themselves and express their opinions. But they weren't arguing. They were consipiring.

Edward won't see the new outfit or Slutty Bella, or Angry Bella, tonight in person, but I bet I can make sure it's featured in several highlight reels on Monday. Just because he couldn't read my mind, didn't mean I couldn't give him a piece of it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Light It Up**

**BPOV**

When we got to the party it had barely started. Jess skipped off to find Mike, and Angela and I agreed to a Power Hour in the kitchen with Tyler and Eric. It must have lasted more than sixty minutes, because before I knew it, I was wasted and the party was pretty much out of hand. Half full cans and cups covered every surface. Someone was passed out on the floor under the dining room table. Jessica was humping Mike's leg while he concentrated on a poker game was losing and ignored her.

I didn't feel that drunk, until I stood up, and then I suddenly felt dizzy and giddy. Fuck, I had to concentrate just to get to the doorway. I giggled. I stumbled to the living room, dancing to "Dynamite" and making my way across the thick carpet. Some junior whose name I didn't remember was on the couch looking bored, so leaned over him, shamelessly grabbing his thighs. "Hey, wanna dance?" I slurred tugging on his hands. We got hot and heavy moving to the music, and I turned around and swayed my hips into him. I thought we were just dancing, but he started breathing heavy and grabbing at me. I was starting to sweat so I pushed him away and hauled Jessica away from Mike's leg instead. "Jeccisa. Dance wih me." Her eyes were glazed over, but she looked kind of hot, with her tits pushed up and pressed together, spilling out of her top. I couldn't help but stare a little at her cleavage. I ran my hands up the curve of her small waist and my fingers accidentally grazed the sides of her breasts as I reached for her shoulders. She looked at me confused for a second, but then she caught sight of Mike staring slack-jawed at our interaction, cards forgotten in front of him. She winked at me, and then planted her hands on my lower back, her fingers digging into the firm flesh at the top of my ass. She moved our bodies closer together with each beat, grinding her hips into me and mashing our breasts together. "Turn around" she whispered into my ear, and I obeyed. Now it wasn't just Mike watching, practically every guy in the room was staring at our sensual movements. Angry Bella and Slutty Bella applauded. Real Bella hoped that maybe I wouldn't remember doing this in the morning. Same results, less regret. Edward was going to get an eyeful Monday morning, if he didn't mind looking at memories through beer goggles. When the song ended, I turned back around, and resolutely grabbed onto Jessica's head. I blushed deeply, but leaned in anyways. Her eyes widened in surprise as I gently touched my lips to hers. She froze at first but she caught on quick, and slid her tongue along the inside of my bottom lip. The kiss was soft and sweet and slick. It felt nice. She actually tasted like cherry chapstick.

When the kiss was over, several guys started yelling encouragement and obscene suggestions. My mind started spinning and I shook my head trying to clear it. What the fuck was I doing? Angry Bella and Slutty Bella had left me alone now that I had done their evil bidding. I needed some air. I opened the door and ran smack into a cold concrete wall, and I would have fallen right on my butt except the wall grabbed my wrist and yanked me back. Ow. "Emmett? Whateryou doin here?" I threw my arms around him enthusiastically. I loved Emmett. "I love you Emmetty." I babbled holding onto his huge frame tightly to keep myself upright. "Shit Bella, I can't believe you're so wasted, I thought Alice was punking us." Us? I furrowed my brow and leaned around his huge frame. No Edward. "Emmettyemmettymandmandm. I'm hungry." His face went from concern to laughter. "HA!" He guffawed. "Okay Party Girl, let's get out of here."

Emmett pretty much carried me out to the car, where Rosalie was waiting with a very bored expression. I lay down in the back seat, pressing my overheated brow to the cool leather seats. The next thing I remember, Emmett was carrying me up the stairs and plopping me gently into bed. I could hear my dad snoring in the next room, blissfully unaware a vampire was chauffeuring his drunk daughter home. "Thanks Emmetty" I mumbled as I lost consciousness. I thought I saw a shadow stir in the rocking chair as I closed my eyes against the spinning room, but I must have imagined it, because when I awoke late the next morning the room was empty and for the first time in months, the window was closed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Here for the Party**

My new weekend activity quickly became a habit. Every week, I would go to a party or maybe just over to Jessica's house to hang out with Lauren and Mike, or sometimes to the pool hall out on Route 27 that didn't card persons who happened to have breasts. Every week I would try to think of something more outrageous to do or wear. I'd made out with Jessica two more times. I started smoking clove cigarettes behind the dumpsters in between classes. I'd done a very poor and extremely ill-advised keg stand which lasted approximately a quarter of a second. I'd worn a mini-skirt so short that if I'd sat on my dad's courdory easy chair my skin would have had ridges all the way up to the bottom edge of my underwear. And I was wearing a thong. I ran into Charlie's friend's son, Jacob, out one night and I'd put pool chalk down the front of my bra and let him polish his pool stick. That's not a euphemism, that actually happened. He asked me out, and I gave it serious consideration. He was only fifteen, but he was tall and ripped and above all, _interested._ I turned him down though, it didn't seem right to string him along. Not that that bothered some people. _I'm only sorry I let it go on so long._

I don't even know why I was doing these things. But every time I thought about stopping, Slutty Bella appeared and demanded to know why I wasn't showing him what he was missing, and Angry Bella started muttering something about distractions.

I had seen other girls do just about anything to get a guy to like them, it wasn't like I'd come up with all the ideas myself. I'd seen girls who thought a second down involved unhooking a bra pretend to love football, and vegetarians pretend to love steak. I'd helped a girl who hated video games learn to play Halo, and gone to Warped Tour with a girl who hated punk music. I myself had purchased push-up bras, and short skirts, and high heels, and leaned over tables to make the most of them. But at least most girls were trying to get the object of their affection to notice them. I didn't even know if I was trying to get Edward to like me or despise me.

I expected a lecture from Edward after that first weekend, but it never came.Edward did stare at Mike and make him uncomfortable that first morning, but Mike was probably just thinking something mean about Alice. I couldn't believe my behavior hadn't prompted a lecture or even a friendly word of warning. Edward used to freak out about every safety hazard from lead paint to unreliable brakes. I was going to get some kind of reaction out of him if I had to strip naked and baste myself in mountain lion blood. I would make him see that I wasn't the same child who would let someone take her heart and break it into tiny pieces. He would see I wasn't some fragile doll that he had to stay away from._ He would see my soul wasn't necessarily worth saving. _ But every Monday when I searched Edward's eyes for some sign that he had noticed, he gave me the same polite and friendly smile. "Hey Little Buddy," he would say. "Have a good weekend?" he would ask calmly as though he didn't know anything about it. I would suppress a cringe and smile back, nodding without volunteering anything further.

Other than his refusal to stage an intervention, Edward was a good friend. He listened when I was frustrated with my mom for forgetting to forward me my W-2 to file my taxes. He helped me carry my massive stack of books home from the annual library fair. He shared my enthusiasm for Charlie's budding relationship with Sue. He lent me his notes when I need them. He even drove me home when I went home sick the day we watched eye surgery in Biology class, but he didn't even walk me to the door, just dropped me off and tore away in that fast little car of his. I saw Edward in passing at lunch, across the table at Chemistry, and sometimes I managed to run into him at the library. I never saw him on the weekends. It was a very one-sided friendship, he never had any problems, and he never had any news.

Even when Alice finally started talking to me again and invited me over a couple of times to watch a movie or one time to bake cupcakes for a school fundraiser she'd help organize, I never knew if Edward was there or not when I came over. His bedroom door was shut, but I didn't hear any music or sounds of movement from within. Just one time I saw a tiny crack in his impassive exterior. We got out of Chemistry a few minutes early and I was sitting at a picnic bench waiting for Angela to get out of French. Edward sat down with me for a few minutes while a sudden break in the clouds kept him trapped in the shadow of the building. The day was muggy, and a mosquito buzzed near my ear, startling me. Edward snapped the insect between his elegant fingers in a strike so quick only the cessation of the annoying noise alerted me to his movement. He scanned the air around me glaring, eyes black and glittering, and I could have sworn he muttered something under his breath that sounded almost like "Mine."


	7. Chapter 7

**Why Little Buddy**

EPOV

When I used to tell Bella that she would be the death of me, it was a figure of speech. Now God was punishing me for my loose tongue by making it come true. Her increasingly reckless behavior was driving me to distraction, and I feared I would soon expose myself in a fit of rage and the Volturi would give me the release I had so recently and yet so long ago begged for. Thank heavens for Alice. She convinced me to let Emmett rescue Bella from that gang of college guys, no doubt saving their lives. After seeing Bella was safely in bed, and slamming her window shut in rather pointless gesture towards keeping her that way, I had gone after them and threatened to slaughter them one by one if they ever came as far as Port Angeles again. It was an empty threat – if they ever came near Bella again I would kill them all at once, not one by one. It would take approximately five seconds to murder all six of them, ten seconds if I wanted to do it quietly. Their putrid thoughts revealed that they thought I was insane, but would stay away nevertheless, so I was satisfied.

Dealing with Mike Newton was rather more difficult, as he had technically done nothing wrong and required a lighter touch. But God help me, he just would insist on thinking offensive things about Bella Monday mornings. Staring at me, he wondered how "far" Bella and I had gone, picturing the swell of her exposed breasts in that corset the entire time. Admittedly, it was a rather mesmerizing sight, even in his alcohol hazed memory. Next, he replayed her kiss with Jessica, adding the original plot twist that they waved him over a few moments after their lips touched. The sight of Mike Newton degrading my Bella with his little fantasy had me clenching my combination lock so hard that in moments it was unrecognizable ball of metal between my fingers.

I made it through that first day without doing irreparable harm to students or much school property, limiting myself to glaring at Mike and everyone else who attended that awful party. But things only got worse week by week as Bella's behavior became more and more erratic. I could not could not could not figure out why she was acting this way. I knew this wasn't really her. Somehow even when she was dressing and behaving more and more provocatively, she seemed even more innocent. All the more so because she clearly thought she was being wanton. Her pureness was highlighted by the very sweetness of her concept of licentiousness. She might wear scandalous outfits, flirt, and kiss, but she did not truly know what it was to sin. Although the thoughts of those around her, I unfortunately knew were not so innocent.

My family had different reactions to this unexpected turn of events. Carlisle and Esme were worried, but slightly amused. Rosalie was annoyed, Alice was concerned, Jasper was a little angry (he too had put a lot of time and energy into keeping her safe, and she was rather wasting that effort). Emmett, however, was absolutely thrilled. The entertainment factor was high, there was attractive girl involved, and I looked like a fool pretty much any way you looked at it. The situation had everything Emmett asked for in a comedy. The only drawback in his mind is that he had to rely on me to pass along information about Bella's extracurricular activities, since Rosalie wouldn't let him attend high school parties. Needless to say, I was spending a lot of time telling Emmett to mind his own business and even more time enforcing it with my fists. Esme had finally banned us both from the living room after we broke three of her favorite lamps, and now we were just slowly destroying a national forest.

My biggest fear was that Bella would get herself in over her head, as had so nearly happened that first night. I tried to stay close by to her every night, though it was difficult to watch her without rushing to her aid. But I was determined to let her live her life the way she wanted, whatever that meant, and I could only do my best to see her through it, like a guardian angel. If she would just stop wearing those damn push-up bras under her see-through shirts I might even manage to hold onto my sanity while doing it. But why, Bella? Why are you doing it?

_Is Edward in denial? Does Bella need to ratchet it up a notch? _


	8. Chapter 8

**I Want You to Want Me**

_Warning: drug use and lemons. Don't read if you're under 18 or if you will be offended._

**BPOV **

Emmett only showed up to bail me out that first night I went to the party at Mike's house, so I wondered if Alice had seen something in my future that night in particular that made her send Emmett and Rosalie to collect me, or if she was just so surprised by what did happen that she assumed I needed to be rescued. In the back of my mind, whether I was drinking or flirting or talking to strangers, I leaned on Alice's talent. She was insurance against Angry Bella and Slutty Bella's strategems. And like all good insurance, it only made me more reckless.

Which is how I ended up lying on my back on Lauren's roof one chilly night complaining that the stars were too bright and they were making my eyes hurt.

It had been an unusually sunny week, and I hadn't seen Edward in days. When Jessica suggested we skip out early Friday afternoon and go with Tyler and Mike and Lauren to Port Angeles, I jumped at the opportunity. Tyler drove us in his black Four-Runner, and I tuned out both his annoying rap music and the conversation (something about a new mall in Seattle that I wasn't interested in going to). I stared out the window at the trees blurring by, wondering where Edward was and what he was doing. I finally jerked back to the present when I noticed we weren't going to the downtown shopping area, instead we were pulling into a private drive outside a run down house.

"Hey, where are we guys? I thought we were going to Port Angeles?" The yard badly needed mowing, and the paint on the red door was peeling. "We're just going to pick up some supplies for the weekend," Lauren replied, smirking slightly. The house wasn't any nicer on the inside, the carpet was dirty, and several overflowing ashtrays crowded amongst empty take out bags on the coffee table. What were we doing here? Usually Tyler's older brother would take us by the package store if we needed supplies. Then the skinny twitchy guy with gotee who had answered the door pulled out a number of ziplock baggies. Oh. Right, drugs. Lauren and Jessica got some speed, along with a couple of Valiums for after. Mike and Tyler bought weed or "herb" as the dealer called it. Then everyone turned to me expectantly. "Um, I don't know guys," I said, a blush creeping over me. "This is a little much for me, I think I'll just stick to drinking." I'd tried Oxy with Lauren, but that was prescription, it just wasn't her prescription. It wasn't like this.

"Anyone who thinks alcohol isn't a drug, just hasn't done drugs," argued skinny gotee guy, "They are really exactly the same kind of thing." Clearly this was a favorite topic for him. "You really look like a sad one. I'm going to recommend these little butterflies for you," and he handed me a small mint tin with two tiny blue pills inside. Each had a tiny pair of wings stamped on it. "It's Ex," he explained. I blushed further, "Oh, um, no, no I don't think that is right for me." Unless it worked on vampires. Not that perfect Edward Cullen would do drugs with me anyways. "Trust me, this is really what you want. They shouldn't even really call it Ecstasy, it's not like a sex thing. It's just like having a really really good day. They really should call it Happiness." I hesitated and he continued "Actually, it's really kind of like being in love." I snatched it up off the table. "Really?" I said rolling my eyes at Jessica. But I bought them anyways.

Lauren's parents were out of town, so we decided to hang out there. I didn't want to do it alone, so Lauren agreed to take the other pill once we got back to her house. Even though it felt like cheating the system, the effects of the drug were every bit as good advertised. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly happy. Just happy happy happy. In addition, every touch against my skin felt delicious, but in a really good massage kind of way, not in an oh God I want to fuck you kind of way. There were a couple of side effects though. The lights in the house were bright and streaky, so we climbed out her window to lay on the roof. Even the stars were almost too bright. The gritty shingles felt incredible beneath me though, and I did a couple of snow angels, scraping my arms and legs back and forth against the roof, giggling as Lauren tried to ask me what I was doing and I tried to explain to her.

"Hey Bella, -ella, -ella, -ella," Lauren sang.

"Yes Romeo?

"Did you and Edward ever, you know, do it or not?"

"Do what? Oh! Not not not." Sigh. Not.

"But you did some stuff right?"

"Oh sure. Stuff stuff stuff." Mmmm stuff. Edward's hands on my stuff. But all we'd really done basically was kiss. "He's just so . . . "

"Fuckhot?" Lauren interjected.

I giggled, that was the technical term for it.

Lauren turned over on her side and looked me very seriously in the eyes. "Tyler has a crush on me. I'm going to make him earn his redwings, see how much he really wants me."

"Red wings?"

"Oh seriously Bella you're too cute. You really don't know _anything._ Red wings is when a guy goes down on you during that special time of the month, so then you know,"

"Ew! Ewwie ewwie! Haha, that is so gross Lauren, don't teach me anything else for a little while, I think I'm learning too much." Although if there ever was a guy who was perfect for that, it was Edward. Hmm, I wonder if that would interest him. His tongue _was_ incredible. But ew. Ew ew ew. No way. Funny, I'd never wondered if my period had affected Edward, if it did, he was too much of a gentleman to bring it up. Maybe I would ask Emmett. We lay in silence for a long while, the effects starting to wear off, and a headache setting in. I took a long swig of water.

Lauren stumbled to her feet. "I'ma see what's going on downstairs."

"Mmkay." I squinted one eye open at her. She walked a couple of steps toward the edge of the roof, then stopped and twirled back around. Her heel caught on the gutter, and she started to giggle, but then she overcorrected and began to fall backwards. "Lauren!" I yelled hurling myself forward, grabbing her arms and jerking her back away from the ledge. She panicked and gripped my shoulders, pulling us both back the wrong direction. The ground was very very far away, but it was about to get closer. I shut my eyes.

We hadn't fallen more than a foot when an icy iron grip jerked me effortlessly back up and set me gently down on the roof as far from the ledge as possible. Edward pulled us up with one hand each as easily as rag dolls, not seeming to care that even a strong seventeen-year-old should have difficulty hauling our weight with one hand. He practically threw Lauren back through the open window into the bedroom, keeping his right hand firmly around my waist. As soon as Lauren was safe he swung me into his arms bridal style and slid down the wall until he was sitting on the roof with me in his lap, his arms an iron cage around me. My heart was racing with adrenaline, and he laid his head gently across my heart, it's frantic pumping no doubt tormenting him. He was whispering something I couldn't understand and I thought I felt him gently kiss my hair. But when I looked up his dark eyes were focused away from me, expression distant and indifferent. I felt a stab of hurt as I remembered all over again that he didn't care for me, he just had a thing for saving people. Bella, I don't _want _you to come, he'd said. Stupid knight in shining armour. "Thanks Edward," I said coolly, wiggling out of his embrace and crawling back inside.

I waltzed downstairs without glancing back. And without stumbling for once in my life. Huh, drugs + Bella = grace. When I turned around Edward was following a few feet behind me, eyes dark and sweet. "Come on Little Buddy, I'm taking you home."

"Don't patronize me Edward, I'm not done here."

"Bella, come on, let's go. I don't know what you're on, but I want you to see Carlisle. This is your life, this isn't a game." His perfect mouth was set in a firm line, as he gazed down at me through his long lashes. He thought he knew me so well.

"Huh," I said pretending to think, "If it's not a game, then I wonder why I'm having so much fun." I flashed him a bright fake smile and pushed him back and out of the way with both hands so that I could walk around him. It should have been like shoving a brick wall, but he fell back a step. Jessica sidled up to his side as I slipped by, unsubtly adjusting her top so that she would hang out of it a little more. "Edward, would you like a drink? Gin and tonic?" she asked coyly, holding out a glass. Edward didn't even glance at her, just kept glaring at me and threw back the drink very convincingly, almost like he expected it to actually take the edge off.

"You didn't want me Edward, you don't get to tell me what to do anymore."

"This isn't you Bella, I know it isn't," he grated out, gripping the granite countertop so hard he would leave fingerprints in it.

"And how would you know that Edward," I retorted, and then leaned in close to his ear to whisper "You can't read _my _mind." That was a tactical error. That close to him, his scent was overwhelming, and the desire to stay near him was almost unbearable. He leaned his head in and breathed into my ear, "See Little Buddy, even when you're mad, you're still so sweet. I bet it never even occurred to you to spill our secrets, no matter how much I hurt you." Now why hadn't I thought of that? I hated it when he was right. Why was he always right? I felt like I was going to cry, so instead I practically ran out of the room and rammed smack into Mike Newton going through the doorway. "Woah, hey, what's up Bella?" he said, reaching both arms around to steady me. He looked down at me kindly. Mike liked me, and he and Jessica were on one of their many breaks. And I liked Mike. He was a nice guy. Didn't I deserve a nice guy? "Hi there Mike," I said sweetly, grabbing his hand and pulling him behind me, "Lauren never showed me around upstairs, why don't we go check it out." On the stairs we ran into Eric, who raised his eyebrows suggestively and asked us where we were going. Didn't Eric like me too? Yes, yes he did. Everyone liked me. Except Edward. "Why don't you join us," I said in what I hoped was a suggestive manner. His jaw dropped and he turned heel and trailed behind us.

I dragged them both into Lauren's parents' bedroom and slammed the door closed behind us. Mike grinned and pulled me in toward him. He was sweating a little, and his heart sounded like it would pound out of his chest. We all three sat down on the bed, and with a sudden swift movement Mike kissed my mouth, while Eric swept my hair out of the way and started kissing my neck while his hand rubbed my thigh. It was a little awkward because of the way we were twisted around, so we lay back side by side on the bed. The kissing was a little slobbery, but Mike tasted like spearmint gum. My favorite. Still twisting his tongue against mine, Mike's hand started to slowly creep up from my waist towards my breasts, pushing my sweater up hesitantly. I sat up and peeled it off. He made a sound in the back of his throat almost like a whine and moved his right hand to my bra-covered breast, squeezing and massaging enthusiastically, while Eric pushed the fabric out of the way and attacked the right one with his mouth. It felt . . . good. Mike moved his mouth to my neck and started kissing and sucking it. I felt a pleasant twinge between my legs and rubbed my thighs together, looking for friction. "Oh God Bella," Mike panted, "You're so hot." He started messing with the button of my jeans. "Can I, can you . . ." he looked at me for permission. Hmm, hmm, hmmmmm. No, no thank you. But did want something. I wanted them to want me even more. Why didn't Edward want me? I know they wanted me. "Why don't you just lay back Mike and let me do something for you," I purred. "And Eric why don't you . . . umm." Obviously I was not very good at this. I didn't have any idea what to do with Eric. Fortunately, guys watch a lot of porno. "Have you ever been titty fucked?" Eric asked, still holding onto one of my breasts and stroking my hardened nipple with his thumb. I raised an eyebrow at him trying to figure out how this would work. Eric took charge. He snapped my bra off in one quick movement. "Here, lay down and hold your tits together like this," he said, putting my hands on either side of my breasts, "I can titty fuck you while you blow him." Zippers came down in a flash, Eric licked my cleavage and then pushed his long cock in between my breasts with a groan. Mike positioned his half-hard dick over my mouth, holding himself up somewhat awkwardly, but clearly eager as I wrapped my lips around his tip. "Oh God, suck Bella, please suck," he moaned. I slid my tongue along his warm skin and sucked in my cheeks experimentally. His shaft instantly went from half rubbery to cement hard in my mouth. I licked my tongue around his tip and then bobbed my head again, taking him further this time. Eric was starting to leak on my chest and was grabbing my breasts harder against his dick with his big hands as he picked up speed. Eric was lifting my torso slightly off the bed with each thrust and I had to open my mouth and throat farther and farther to keep from choking on Mike's cock as Eric's movements pushed me up. I tried to keep still by holding onto the bed, but I was much too weak and I didn't have any leverage. I was about to call the whole uncomfortable thing to a halt when Eric suddenly stopped thrusting and hovered over me. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit," he moaned, as his dick twitched and spurted wet stickiness all over my chest and throat. A half-second later, Mike pulled himself out of my mouth and came too, but his aim wasn't as good and some of it got on the bed and in my hair.

"Thank you Bella. Really. That was amaaazing," Mike enthused as he zipped up and pulled his shirt back on. I pulled the sheets over my torso, and nodded as I tried to return his smile. "I would have loved to have done it in your mouth, but I read that girls can choke if they're lying down like that," he said knowledgably.

"Sure. Safety first," I answered softly.

"Here, take my sweatshirt to cleanup," Eric offered. "You can keep it," he winked. I took the shirt into Lauren's bathroom and cleaned myself up as much as I could. Eric and Mike waited for me like gentleman, as though there were an etiquette to getting fucked up and having a three-way with your friends, and we all walked back downstairs together. I wished I had another pill or at least a drink, I'd lost my nerve and I was hoping Edward had left the party. He was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, his tall pale form as still as a Greek statue. I realized he was only wearing slacks and tight white T-shirt. I could see every muscle in his chest and arms. I could see that he wasn't remembering to breathe. I'd been to out of it to notice before, he never went out in only his undershirt, he must have been in a hurry. I felt a twinge of guilt. Alice must have seen me and Lauren tumbling off the roof. He shouldn't be here. His eyes flickered from my face to Eric and Mike, and then back to me. His mouth fell open.

"What," I said defiantly, "What do you want?" He took one step toward me and lifted one hand, practically shaking with anger. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Say goodbye to your _friends._ I'm getting you out of here."

"Hey Edward," I replied, waiting for him to open his eyes and look at me, "Bite me." He flinched, and his jaw clenched. He took two steps toward me and swept me into his arms like a baby for the second time that night, carrying me down the stairs and depositing me unceremoniously in the passenger seat without a word.

I was going to refuse to speak to him in the car, but somehow my mouth just didn't want to stay shut. I pulled up one of the books that he had shoved off the seat onto the floor. "Lolita? Really Edward? Isn't that little too apapro- apropa-" shit I was still a little wasted, "Appropriate?" He ignored me, never lessening speed. "Oh! Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins," I intoned sarcastically, "My sin, my soul," he interrupted me in a low tone, his voice breaking on the last word. Damnit, I wasn't mad any more. He just looked so sad. It wasn't his fault he didn't love me. It wasn't his fault he still felt responsible for me. Probably he knew how sad Alice would be if something happened to me. I closed my eyes before he could see the tears gathering, and feigned sleep for the rest of the ride.

When I opened my eyes we weren't at my house, we were parked outside the Cullen's. I opened my mouth to argue, but Edward stopped me. "I told you I wanted Carlisle to see you. Alice already called your dad and told him you were sleeping over." His eyes were amber again, and his voice was cold and monotone, and I flinched away from the hand he held out to help me from the car. Rosalie passed me on the stairs as I stumbled toward Carlisle's office. She didn't meet my eyes, but suddenly grabbed my elbow as she brushed by. "I don't appreciate what you're doing to him," she whispered, in a voice dripping with distaste, "Why can't you just leave him alone?" As if I needed someone at this moment, to make me feel worse about myself! I opened my mouth to argue, but she was already gone.

After Carlisle examined me and gave me an understated lecture about drugs, Alice fixed me some juice and ran a bath for me. She laid out fresh boxers and an undershirt for me to sleep in. "Edward's," she explained, "I didn't think you would like my pajamas," she said gesturing to her silk and lace boy shorts and tank top outfit. "Thank you," I said. She smiled sadly, "Anytime Bella. You'll have to sleep in Edward's room, it's the only one with a bed. He got it after . . ." she trailed off. "Hey Alice," I burst out, "I'm sorry we don't hang out anymore. And I don't know what you've heard . . . or what you've _seen _but I just, I just wanted to be, I just needed to feel . . . different." She looked at me quizzically, for once subdued. "It's okay Bella, we're good. I never wanted what happened with you and Edward to come between us." She looked so forlorn, I impulsively grabbed her and gave her a tight hug. She giggled, "Not too hard Bella, you're really squeezing me!" She smiled more brightly and left me to my bath.

I was restless sleeping in Edward's unused bed, and I overheard Alice and Edward arguing just before morning. It sounded like Edward hadn't been completely honest with his family about the details of our breakup. Ever the gentleman, not wanting everyone to know the painful minutiae of my humiliation.

"You know why Bella is acting like this, don't you? What aren't you telling me?" Alice demanded. Edward responded in a quieter voice, "When I left, I had to make Bella understand why we couldn't be together."

"Yes, I'm very familiar with your misguided devotion to the idea that Bella and you would be better off apart."

"Well I didn't think appealing to her reason was working, so instead I talked about my, erhm, feelings."

"Really."

" I told her I didn't want her anymore and that I'd never truly loved her." There was no emotion in his voice, but my own heart throbbed and threatened to break all over again at hearing him say the horrible words again.

"Edward! How could you? How_ could_ you?"

"Alice, I didn't do it to be cruel. It was the only way she would understand that we couldn't be together. Besides, it worked. She got over me. She's the one who suggested we just be friends. I just have to keep her safe for a little while longer and then she'll be fine. She'll be fine."

" Keep telling yourself that Edward. What do I know? I'm just the psychic."


	9. Chapter 9

**Stay in My Arms if You Dare**

_More lemons . . . don't read if you will be offended. _

The next week at school was a little rough. What I had done was bad enough, but rumors were really giving me notoriety. I don't think Mike and Eric were talking about it because they were terrified of Edward, but Jessica had seen me go upstairs with both of them and I think she was a little pissed about me and Mike.

I heard that I had had an orgy with five guys.

I heard that I had had an orgy with five girls.

I heard that Mike and Eric had paid me for sex.

I heard that Eric had paid to watch me and Mike have sex.

I heard that I had paid to watch Mike and Eric have sex.

It got so bad that the guidance counselor even pulled me aside to check on me. As though I could talk to her about my problems. "Oh, Mrs. Miller, I was just trying to get back at my vampire ex-boyfriend, but he's still kind of overprotective so he stopped me." The Cullens were in school all week, but Edward wasn't. Part of me rejoiced at not having to face him, and yet the days seemed grey and foggy without him.

I needed a new plan for cracking this abhorrent shell of innocence. I still felt like the same sad, plain, ignorant little girl who lived and breathed for Edward Cullen only to have him politely waltz away. Sure, Mike's dick was in my mouth for about five minutes, but I didn't feel any different.

I was glad when it was finally the weekend, but I didn't know what to do with myself. Lauren was grounded because of the party, Eric and Mike were scared of me, and Jessica was mad at me because of the whole Mike thing. I hadn't talked to Angela in a while, and I just didn't see how I could explain to her how or why I'd taken to the very things we used to avoid together, and I didn't want to see her disappointment. So I stayed in. Alone. Charlie was working an evening shift. I cleaned the house. I took a bath. I had a leftover bottle of Smirnoff from Jessica stashed away, so I fixed myself a drink. I put on Edward's boxers and undershirt and started a movie. I had a few more drinks. I got out my phone. I had another drink.

I sent Edward a text message.

_Want com ovr? _

Send. Ooooops.

It seemed like only moments later when I heard polite knocking on the door. I opened it to see Edward standing there, so beautiful that I almost thought he was a dream in his dark wash jeans and grey T-shirt. He also looked terrible. There were dark circles under his eyes like he hadn't fed in weeks, his hair was even more of a mess than usual, and he looked so sad that I suddenly found myself wondering if vampires could cry.

"You wern in shchool," I slurred, then tried to concentrate on carefully enunciating each word "You sick or something?"

"Or something."

I turned around and walked back to the couch, but when I glanced behind he was standing in the doorway pinching the bridge of his nose. "I see you're wearing my underthings."

I glanced down and shrugged. Nice try, he was never getting these back. "I didn wan give them back in case the smell was too tempting for you."

"Oh yes. God forbid I be tempted," he said, following me in.

"So what are you up to tonight Bella?" he asked, adding in a low mutter he probably thought I couldn't hear, "Besides the obvious." If he didn't like my drinking that was just tough, considering it was all his fault.

"Watching a movie. Lolita."

His head snapped up. "So you really like that story," he said with a sad smile, "The story of a monster who destroys an innocent young girl with his sick love for her?"

I snorted. "He doesn love her, he jes a pedophilia."

"You haven't paid attention to the ending," he replied, "_I looked and looked at her, and I knew, as clearly as I know that I will die, that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth." _He quoted stepping closer to me so that I had to tilt my head up to see his perfect face,_ "She was only the dead-leaf echo of the nymphet from long ago - but I loved her, this Lolita, pale and polluted and big with another man's child._ _She could fade and wither - I didn't care. I would still go mad with tenderness at the mere sight of her face," _he raised one long finger to gently brush my cheek.

Suddenly I was very very weary. After all this, he had only to touch my face and speak a few borrowed lines of tenderness, and I was no longer angry, I was only tired. I was tired of trying to get Edward to like me or to love me. Tired of trying to get Edward to hate me or be disgusted with me. I just wanted rest.

"Please Edward," I whispered, "Will you stay wi me while I go to sleep the way you used to?" Friends could do that, couldn't they?

He picked me up and swiftly set me down on the sofa on my side, lay down behind me, and wrapped his chilly arms around me. Within moments I was asleep.

I awoke I don't know how many hours later and I was sober but had a headache. I shifted my position slightly, trying not to wake Edward, before I remembered that it wasn't possible to wake someone who never slept. I turned in his embrace so that we were face to face, his eyes inches from mine. He had often said he wished he could read my mind, and at that moment I sorely wished I could read his. He looked so much like my Edward of old, gazing tenderly into my eyes as though I were his whole world. Oh what the hell. He'd already broken my heart, and being friends was _not _working out well for me. What else could he do to me? I closed my eyes, and before he had a chance to figure out what I was up to, I kissed him.

For one gut-wrenching moment, he froze. And then he responded as he had never responded before. He kissed me back hard, his lips moving urgently against mine. He trailed his tongue along my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I readily opened my mouth and he thrust his tongue against mine in a relentless rhythm until I was lightheaded with the sensations coursing through my body. He kissed me until I was gasping for air, and then moved his lips and tongue to my neck, trembling with restraint when he reached the pulse point.

"Beautiful," he murmured in between kisses, "So soft, so warm."

He slipped one hand under my shirt, while he sucked on the pulse point in my neck, gently caressing the curve of my waist and then stroking up my ribs until he reached the silky underside of my breast with the tips of his fingers. I gasped. He moved his whole hand to cover my left breast and I cried out at the sensation of his long fingers pressing my bare skin and skimming over my hardened nipple with maddening gentleness.

"Edward!" I cried out in pleasure.

"Oh God, Bella, what are you doing to me?" he asked, his voice raspy and low with lust, "Wearing my shirt?" he clenched it in one hand as though he would rip it away. "Wearing my boxers?" he pushed his fingers in the front of the waistband where I had rolled it up a few times, sliding both hands around to the side to grip my hips almost painfully, fire trailing along my body wherever his hands touched me.

Keeping one thumb firmly on my hip, fingers digging lightly into my curves, he used his other hand to pull my shirt all the way up to my neck, exposing my chest completely. He paused for a moment, his hooded eyes raking over my half naked form. Too quick for me to see, he was back on top of me, and he took one breast in his mouth, flicking my nipple with his tongue. Slick wetness gathered between my legs as pleasure shot down to my core. I moaned softly and twisted my hands in the soft hair at the nape of his neck. "Are you wearing these clothes because you're mine?" he asked, removing his mouth from my breast and inching his hand lower.

"Yes!" I cried out.

"Say it. Say you are mine." He demanded, sounding half-mad with desire and bloodlust.

"I'm yours Edward. Only yours." He pressed his hand insistently over the thin fabric of my panties. I moaned. I automatically opened my legs wider at his touch and he growled low in his throat. He lowered his head, almost brushing my center with his nose. He turned his face to one leg, kissing his way up the soft flesh of my inner thigh. He stopped his progression mere inches below where I was aching for contact, he attacked my skin with kissing and sucking, captivated by the femoral artery. One nick and I would bleed out in minutes, but I just couldn't quite care. With a groan he tore himself away from the blue vessels twining up my legs, and he pulled himself back up to eye level holding his stone body effortlessly hovering above me with one hand so he wouldn't crush me. He seemed to realize for the first time how desperately out of control he was, and he looked down at me with wild eyes, black as ravens. "Please. Tell me to stop," he begged, even as he lowered his mouth back to my neck. Never. My eyes rolled back in my head as his mouth moved against me and his hips rocked slightly into me in helpless service to the lust coursing through him. I could feel his rock hard arousal through his jeans, straining toward me.

"No," I gasped, "Don't –ah-stop." There was a loud clicking sound almost right next to my ear and Edward froze. My eyes snapped open.

All the blood in my body rushed to my face as I blushed crimson. Charlie was standing over us, his face distorted with rage. He had his gun pressed so hard against Edward's temple that I thought he might bend the metal. "Get. Off. Of her. Now."


	10. Chapter 10

**In Flagrante**

EPOV

It had been a long long time since a human had surprised me. I was in such a frenzy I had heard neither his heavy footsteps or his quiet thoughts. I hadn't even smelled him. From his thoughts, I was ninety percent sure that he wasn't actually going to shoot me. Nevertheless I was quick to obey him. Not that it would injure me, but it would raise some rather awkward questions. I carefully moved off of Bella, hoping he wouldn't notice my fingers sliding from inside her waistband, and held my hands in front of me in a gesture of non-aggression, keeping my body between the gun and Bella. Charlie relaxed the pressure of the gun against my temple, but kept it trained on me. "Put your hands behind your back," he ordered, his voice trembling with barely controlled rage, "You're under arrest." _Please resist please resist you pretty rich boy bastard. I'm going to beat your face to a pulp. _His left fist actually clenched in his desire to attack me, but he restrained himself.

He stepped behind me to lock the handcuffs in place and then pushed me forward toward the door. Bella was still readjusting her clothes, her rosy blush suffusing her face with a richness that made my mouth water. Too inviting by far. I was far too hungry to be here, thank God Charlie came home when he did.

"Wait, Charlie!" she screamed, "What are you doing? He hasn't done anything."

"I'm arresting him for assault. You stay right here and don't move, I'm going to need to take a statement as soon as get him locked in the car." Bella started to argue more, but I shook my head slightly and mouthed "it's okay." I couldn't risk staying here and arguing in case it did become a physical confrontation. It would be difficult not to hurt her father, and almost impossible to hide my superhuman strength and invulnerability. Charlie dragged me roughly to the police car and shoved me into the backseat.

He went back in the house, thinking that now the victim could speak freely without being intimidated by the perpetrator standing right in front of her.

"Bella honey, I know this is difficult, but I need you to tell me exactly what happened so that we can make sure he can't hurt you again."

Bella hid her face in her hands in embarrassment. "Oh my God Charlie, he wasn't hurting me."

"How can you defend that bastard? First he practically stalks you, then he uses you and abandons you without so much as a phone call. Then he comes back and he assaults you in your own home-"

"He wasn't _assaulting_ me dad. We were—"

"He had his hand down your pants and I heard you begging him to stop with my own ears!"

"Urgh, this is so humiliating. I was, um, asking him _not _to stop."

_I'll kill him. _Charlie actually took two steps back toward the door, before stopping himself and collapsing in his chair.

"Bella, I can't watch him hurt you again. The way he used to look at you like you were some kind of possession, or something to eat, used to scare me so much. I was so relieved when he left, until I saw what it did to you. Please please do not get involved with him. Can't you see he's no good for you?"

"I love him Dad," Bella whispered. I felt as though my dead heart skipped a beat. When Bella kissed me, I had dared to dream that, undeserving of it as I was, I might have a second chance. But she had said—

Charlie yanked the car door open. I wanted to rush out of the car, fall to my knees before Bella and beg her to tell me if it was true and pour out my own feelings to her.

"My daughter is refusing to press charges so I'm not going to take you in. But I am going to call your father."

I made a slight movement to get out of the vehicle, and Charlie slammed the door in my face. He wanted my dad to see me in the back of the police car, and hoped that would open his eyes to my degenerate tendencies. I snorted. Carlisle already knew all about my depraved nature, and it was far worse than Charlie imagined.

While I waited for Carlisle to arrive, I silently thanked Charlie for coming home when he did, however awkward the situation. Seeing Bella wearing only _my _underwear, and moaning _my_ name, I'd been only moments from ripping off her clothes and tasting her and taking her in every way imaginable. I should never have come near her when I hadn't fed. But when I got her text message I was at her door knocking before I even had time to realize that she might be expecting it to take me longer than three seconds for me to respond. I should have been feeling guilty about my recklessness, but Bella's words had sparked a hope in me that was impossible to resist, and I found myself smiling despite myself.

When Carlisle arrived his expression was serious and parental, but in his mind he was smiling. _I am so glad that you and Bella have reconciled. Your happiness and hers mean the world to me and Esme. _He thought while putting on a concerned expression to listen to Charlie's slightly biased explanation of events. _Although I am surprised to have gotten this midnight call. Were you _hoping _to prove you're bulletproof? _

I rolled my eyes. Even Carlisle couldn't resist taking a little jab. Emmett was going to be unbearable.

_Just be glad I was able to keep Emmett from coming. _Carlisle continued, unconsciously echoing my thoughts.

Later that night I returned to Bella's house under cover of darkness, rejoicing when I saw her window was open in what I hoped was an invitation. I took a deep unnecessary breath before leaping up to her. The moment her lips had touched mine, it had been decided


	11. Chapter 11

**Unbreak My Heart **

BPOV

_He wanted me. _

I had kissed Edward and he had _kissed me touched me felt me _responded. He might not approve of me. He might not love me. He couldn't possibly respect me after everything he had seen first and second hand. But he _wanted _me. He was kissing and licking my body all over, panting for more. And it wasn't just my blood he wanted. My mind flickered to the feeling of his stone body everywhere against me. Edward Cullen, perfect gentleman for a hundred years, had talked dirty and gotten hard. Slutty Bella took a deep triumphant bow, showing off a generous amount of cleavage. Angry Bella smiled bleakly and let her have the moment of victory.

A few moments after Carlisle left with Edward, I got a text message from Edward.

_May I visit you later tonight?_

_Yes._

Yes, yes, yes. This friendship now had benefits, it seemed. I flew through preparations for bed, showering, shaving, buffing, and moisturizing every part of myself. He'd seemed to enjoy the sight of his clothes on my body, but if he came back I wanted to be wearing something a little more explicit. Something that said, don't apologize, touch me. _Fuck me. _Fortunately, I had just such a garment hidden away. A lifetime ago, before Edward left me, I'd confessed to Alice that I needed help getting him to take our relationship to the next level. A week later a package was delivered, and I blushed just opening it. It was a deep blue satin and lace corset with a barely there thong. I felt foolish sitting at the desk waiting, and I couldn't lean sexily against the wall all night, so I selected a booked to read and climbed into bed in my outfit, relishing the feel of my soft sheets stroking against an unusual amount of bare skin. I'd thought about pulling out my copy of Lady Chatterly's Lover to really set the scene, but in the end settled for Salinger's _Franny and Zooey_, since it was short.

It was almost four o'clock when Edward finally tapped on the frame of the open window, asking for permission to enter. His eyes were golden again, he must have been hunting. He was wearing fresh clothes and he looked slightly nervous. I felt almost proud to have made the ever-confident, always smooth, infinitely well-bred Edward Cullen feel so discomfited. It was a small kind of accomplishment.

I waved him in with a little smile, keeping my outfit hidden under the covers. He glanced around, looking unsure about where to sit so I patted the edge of the comforter and he perched himself at the very foot of the bed. "I um, I came over here because I needed to tell you . . . the thing is, about earlier, I should have—"

"It's ok Edward," I interrupted. "You don't need to feel bad about earlier. I know it doesn't change things between us. But I did think we got interrupted too soon." With that I pulled back the covers, revealing wide expanses of creamy skin, scraps of lace. His eyes widened and he actually lurched toward me for a moment before he held himself back by grasping the bed frame. I climbed out of bed, stumbling slightly as always and moved in front of him, putting an extra sway in my hips for his benefit. "Can I sit with you?" I purred, wrapping my slender arm around the back of his neck and lowering myself to his lap. The rough denim of his pants slid deliciously across the smooth skin of my bare backside as I settled in. I heard a loud creak and out of the corner of my eye I saw the metal bedframe bend beneath his hands.

The effort of his restraint in staying still was written across his beautiful face so deeply that he almost looked like he was in pain. But the stirring beneath me and the twitch of his chest as I lay one hand upon it told a different story. His eyes fell closed in concentration even as his tongue involuntarily flickered out to moisten his lips.

"…Bella…" he managed to rasp out, still gripping the twisted bedframe as though it alone held him to earth. "I love you."


	12. Chapter 12

**Uncry These Tears**

"…Bella…" he managed to rasp out, still gripping the twisted bedframe as though it alone held him to earth. "I love you."

I froze. My eyes pricked with tears. My hands trembled. I pushed myself off of him and turned quickly away, forgetting how risqué my outfit was from the back. "How dare you." I said flatly, all the blood rushing to my face. I was so angry my whole body was shaking. What kind of fool did he take me for? "You think I am here to be whatever you want whenever you want it?"

"No, Bella," he said passionately, grabbing me roughly by the shoulders and spinning me around to face him. "You don't have to be anything. I'll be whatever you want. I'll be your friend. I'll be your lover. I'll be anything and everything. If you don't want to hear this, I'll never mention it again, I just couldn't bear not telling you anymore." He sounded so sincere. He always sounded so terribly sincere, whether he was professing his love or admitting its absence.

The words of love he spoke were irretrievably linked in my heart to the words that had broken me when he left me. I couldn't hear him saying "I love you", without remembering how he had rent me in two by telling me that he didn't after all. My mind had associated the two events in its haphazard way, the way the smell of your favorite food can suddenly make you nauseous, if you get sick from it even once, and hearing him say the words out loud ripped a hole through me.

How desperately I wanted to believe him! My chest ached with desire to fall into his arms and proclaim my own love. To forget the last months and let him wash away my pain with tender speeches and soft caresses, even if it were only for a moment, while this mood struck him, while his century-old morals briefly confused him and twisted his lust into something it wasn't. Somehow, some small shred of self preservation survived within me, and caught the truth just before it left my mouth. If I let myself fall for this dream for even a moment, I wouldn't have the strength to withstand this renewed assault upon my heart. Lying came as naturally as breathing. I could no more have spoken my true feelings aloud than I could have drowned myself in the bathtub by simply holding my breath.

"Please say something," he begged, almost whispering, as he gazed down at me, his eyes flickering with intensity as he tried as usual to read my thoughts. "Tell me what you are thinking," he demanded.

I dropped my gaze to the floor and pulled myself carefully from his grasp. "I'm thinking that you should take a moment to reconsider. I know you don't have a lot of experience . . . physically . . . so I'm sure it's natural to feel somewhat . . . confused."

I chanced a glance up to see if he was buying it; he was looking back at me with utter bewilderment written across his perfect features. "I just wanted to spend a little time together," I continued, "You know-have a little fun, you don't have to make it something that it isn't."

"But Bella," he said hesitantly, "I, um, I wasn't trying to listen, but I heard what you said to your dad, when you told him that—"

"What was I supposed to say?" I interrupted hastily, "Edward and I are just friends, but he's such a hot piece of ass that I decided to jump him? Oh, and by the way, I've been fooling around with a bunch of other guys from school too." I threw in the last part to reassure him that he wasn't doing anything wrong, he wasn't taking anything from me that I hadn't already given away. "I'm sure that would go over real well, you saw how he reacted."

"So what you really want is to just be friends still?" he asked, looking a little crestfallen, probably thinking about the action little Eddie would not be getting, no doubt regretting ruining the mood earlier with his outburst.

"What I really want," I purred as I stepped closer and pressed myself against his tall granite form, feeling in control of the situation again, "Is to stop doing so much talking." I pressed my lips to his, and to my surprise, he kissed me back.


	13. Chapter 13

**When I Think About You**

_Lemons!_

EPOV

When I left Bella's house for the second time, I was almost hysterical, if it were possible for a vampire to experience such a thing. Never had I felt so many unfamiliar emotions at any time, and now I felt them all at once. I felt hurt and hope in equal measure. I felt disappointment and relief. I was determined, and yet my resolve flickered and wavered like a candle in a storm. Bella wasn't in love with me, which broke my heart yet made me glad. Being in love with me wasn't good for her, it spelled only death and destruction in her life. A life with me would be no life at all for her. At the same time, I was giddily happy, perhaps smug, to have brought her pleasure without hurting her. I had told her I would be whatever she wanted me to be, and I would. If she wanted a friend, she could lean on me. If she wanted a lover, I would tenderly embrace her. If she wanted a magic carpet, I would fold myself into a rectangle and learn to fly.

As I sped home through the woods, moving fast even for me so that I was a pale blur against the marching rows of greenery, my mind wandered back to the events of the night, my perfect vampire memory bringing back the perfect vision of my beautiful Bella waiting up for me.

When she interrupted my stammering attempt to explain myself and pulled back the covers and revealed the pale smooth skin of her long legs, I tried to be a gentleman and look away. It was impossible. My eyes raked up her body of their own accord, drinking in the curve of her hips, and the inviting swell of her soft breasts imprisoned tightly in a lattice midnight blue lace. I wanted to free them. My fingers actually twitched with the urge to rip the fabric away. My eyes traveled up further, I forced myself to skip over the slender curve of her white neck, dangerous territory for me, and landed on her dark glittering eyes. My breath quickened as I stared into her gaze and I simply . . . drowned. She moved slowly closer to me, swaying her hips, and had I been human, I have no doubt my mouth would have gone completely dry. Instead, monster that I am, venom flooded my mouth and I had to choke it back to keep from drooling.

I clearly saw her moving toward my lap, yet I was completely unprepared when she pressed her small practically naked body against me. She wiggled slightly and coherent thought left me as pleasure coursed through me and my body responded to her. I was rock hard and pressing painfully against my pants, as my body tried desperately to fight through the few layers between us. I heard a creak and distantly registered that I would need to buy Bella a new bedframe. Or perhaps an entire new house, if things kept progressing at this pace.

Desperate to accomplish my purpose in coming, yet unable to think in complete sentences, I stuttered out the one crucial point I had come here to communicate, though I had meant to explain the entire story, why I left, why I agreed to return, and why I would never leave again unless she ordered me away. But as usual, my beautiful Bella surprised me. She sweetly explained that she did not love me. And since she clearly didn't want me to love her, I made no attempt to force the point upon her. Instead, I gave her what she wanted. I would always give her whatever it was that she wanted.

Her kiss had started out innocent enough, her soft lips pressed gently to mine, igniting fire within my cold body. But as I started to move my mouth against hers, even sliding my tongue inside her mouth as I was unable to resist the memory of her taste, she responded quickly. She moved her mouth down the side of my jaw, and opened her lips against my neck, sucking intently. I was instantly even harder, and she slid her small hands down my chest and deftly slid the button of my pants free. I grasped her wrists as gently as I could to stop her.

"Bella. We have to do this my way. I can't trust my control if you are touching me that way."

She opened her mouth to argue, but I interrupted her. "Lie down," I instructed her firmly. Holding my gaze the entire time, she leaned slowly back to lie flat against the mattress, obediently resting her hands above her head in surrender. I wondered briefly if it would be safer to handcuff her, so that she would not be likely to tempt danger with her distracting caresses, and my dick twitched enthusiastic support at the mental image. Not helping.

"Spread open your legs," I heard myself say, and again she obeyed, bending her knees up so that she was completely exposed and vulnerable to me. "So beautiful," I whispered reverently, wishing I could say aloud that I loved her. The delicious scent of her arousal flooded around me, and she shifted her hips impatiently beneath my stare. I carefully unlaced the ribbon crisscrossing down the front of her top, sliding it off of her in a movement too quick for human eyes. The pink tips of her breasts hardened beneath my gaze as I drank in her exposed form bathed in pale moonlight. Entranced, I lowered my mouth to her nipple, flickering my tongue across it as my fingers caressed up her smooth thigh, skimming over her almost bare hip and then gently covering her other soft breast. I lost myself in the sensations of touching her, feeling almost lightheaded with desire and need as I massaged her soft breasts and stroked up and down the sensual curve of her waist. She made delightful moaning noises in the back of her throat as I kissed and stroked her, but she kept her hands compliantly crossed at the wrist above her head. I paused for a moment as I struggled against the longing to press my body urgently against her, to grind and thrust against her fragile body the way that my body desperately ached to. Instead, I closed my eyes against temptation and gripped the bed on either side of her, ripping apart sheets and covers, perhaps the mattress too, I didn't care.

Bella shifted beneath me, but instead of reaching out to try to pull me back down to her as I expected, she slipped her fingers beneath the silky edge of her satin thong, pulled it off, and tossed it aside. Christ. All. Mighty. She was completely. Naked. That was my last coherent thought as my mind was overtaken by one syllable commands from my body. _Look. Touch. Touch. Look. Touch. Look. Taste. Taste. Taste taste taste taste taste. _

"Be very still," I rasped in a voice I barely recognized, as I lowered my head between her legs. I gently brushed my nose against her, and she whimpered in response. _More. More more more. _Gently, mindful of my razor-sharp teeth, I pressed my tongue against her hot, slick opening.

"Oh God!" Bella exclaimed breathily. I lathed over her most sensitive parts, over and over, licking and thrusting with my tongue, tasting her incredible flavor, while my thumb pressed at a gentle pace against her. I was rewarded with a steady rhythm of noises from Bella. "Oh God. Oh Edward. Oh fuck Edward God Edward Edward God Edward, Oh, Oh, Oh!" she cried out. That medical degree was finally coming in handy, I thought smugly. I slowly slid one finger and then another inside of her, nearly losing it at the heat and pressure of her tight, slick center. _Harder. More. Harder farther more more farther. _My mind raved incoherently, seeming to think that if my long fingers penetrated far enough that another more sensitive part would make it inside as well somehow. I thrust into her repeatedly with one hand while my mouth still worked on her, and my other hand caressed her soft smooth skin, ghosting over her with slow and trembling progress, not daring to grip her closer to me for fear that I would not be able to control my strength. Another voice insinuated itself into my lust hazed consciousness, a voice I had been battling for a hundred years. _Taste, harder, more, bite. Bite. Bite, bite, bite, bite. _I clenched my jaw in determination. Bella's voice got louder and higher as I thrust my tongue and fingers into her at a more and more furious pace, building to such a frantic speed that I was more vibrator than vampire as I drove her to her climax. "Oh God fuck fuck fuck Edwwaaaaarrrd," she cried out, and her body clenched around my fingers while she writhed and shook as she rode out her ecstasy. The mind-blowing tightening sensation of her climax around me drove me over the edge moments later and the next thing I knew there was a wet sticky feeling in my jeans and the taste of cotton in my mouth. The first was embarrassing, the second terrifying, I had come so close to tearing into her soft skin, and managed to sink my teeth into a chunk of the bed instead at the last possible moment. My dead heart went cold at the mere memory of the near miss.

I shook my head to clear my head. The pleasure was the most intense of my life, I'd never known anything could feel like that. But far better than the pleasure was the time afterwards, a brief moment when Bella felt like mine again. She'd teased me about actually needing to use the bathroom for once for a "human moment". She'd playfully ruffled my "sex hair", which for once was aptly named. But after a few minutes she seemed to remember herself and she refused to look at me properly. Then she dismissed me so politely that I felt like I should shake her hand in parting.

When I walked in, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice were waiting for me expectantly. Of course.

"So what happened?" Rosalie demanded disapprovingly.

I was glad that vampires couldn't blush. They had moved half way around the world and back for this relationship, and Alice had risked her life in Italy because of it. I suppose they had a right to take an interest.

"I believe that we have come to a new . . . arrangement," I responded. Alice narrowed her eyes and looked almost surprised and I wondered if she had seen any other futures. "There is progress. We're incorporating friendship and, well, at least . . . I think it is progress—"

"Is that a _hickey_?" Emmett asked, interrupting.

"What?" I said automatically bringing my hand up to where Bella had been kissing my neck. Where of course there was not a hickey since I was a _vampire_. They all dissolved in peals of laughter, slapping their knees and breathlessly yelling "a hickey!" at each other in between bouts of hilarity. Only Emmett could still catch me off guard after all these years, because he so rarely thought about what he said before he said it.

"Oh, bugger off," I muttered to no one in particular and I went up to my room.


	14. Chapter 14

**Scents and Sensibilities**

EPOV

After that weekend, Bella and I went from being arms-length acquaintances, to spending time together nearly every day. I realized that based on Bella's recent erratic behavior, her desire to be with me, and to participate in an illicit affair with me, would likely pass as quickly as her other episodes. I knew it. But I didn't _feel _it. I felt giddy, jubilant, euphoric, baffled, bewildered, and bemused.

Emmett was still enjoying my discomfort, good-naturedly delighting in every awkward moment. Only now the rest of the family had joined in. I couldn't be mad at them, though, because underneath the jokes and the giggling and, lord help me, the _advice, _I could hear their relief. They were so happy for me, happy for Bella. _It's going to work out _they sighed. I wished I had their confidence. Alice's visions of our future, while embarrassingly explicit at times, were a relief. They were very short-term and didn't provide any real clue into where this might or might not be going. I reveled in the brief respite from her usual fixation on Bella's choice of dooms. For once, she saw Bella not dead or undead, but alive, if only for an hour or a day ahead.

My reverie was interrupted by Alice tapping rapidly on my door. I put down the book that I wasn't reading, suddenly realizing the night had passed without my notice and it was almost time for school. "I'll be ready in a moment," I called to her, in answer to her unspoken concerns about being late and getting caught by a midmorning break in the clouds. I raced through the abbreviated ablutions necessary to a vampire, then entire process taking perhaps thirty seconds. I smiled as I pull on a soft black T-shirt that Bella recently told me was her favorite because "the way it clings to your chest does things to me." As always, her wish was my command. A change of style was a small thing, but I found myself more and more prone to extravagant gestures, as to my delight she seemed more able to accept things from me than had been her wont before. Just last week I'd traded the Volvo in for a sleek Mercedes SUV because she had grumbled under her breath that my car needed more room during a free period make-out session. Well it was my free period. She was skipping, to my chagrin, but "no" was no longer a word I used with her it seemed.

Alice glowered when she saw my outfit. "Bella's a bad influence on you, you used to have style. You've worn that shirt three times this month." Trust my little sister to keep count. Emmett and Rosalie and Jasper were waiting by the car, the SUV was also convenient because we only needed one driver. I was taking off with Bella so often that it was handier to have fewer vehicles to shuffle, although I did still hate letting other people drive my car. I noticed that my passengers were smirking and exchanging glances with each other. Oh dear, I had not anticipated that even overnight . . .

"Duuude."

"Shut up Emmett." I warned, glowering at all of them.

"It smells like _pussy _in here." The steering wheel gave slightly in my grip, leaving faint impressions of my fingertips.

"Stop. _Picturing _it." I growled, earning him a satisfyingly solid-sounding punch from Rosalie.

"It smells like food in here is what it smells like," Jasper muttered disgruntedly and Alice soothingly stroked his hand. Poor Jasper, I was coming home so covered in human scent these days I was surprised he hadn't taken a nip at me.

Bella was waiting around by the front entrance of the school, even though the second bell was about to ring any second. She looked so attractive, showing off her long legs in a short ruffled skirt, black tights, and a deceptively innocent sleeveless silk blouse. And high heels. Strappy, spiky, sexy black and dark green four-inch heels, which I couldn't keep myself from staring at appreciatively.

"Hi Bella!" Alice and Emmett chorused grinningly, while Rosalie rolled her eyes and Jasper skirted carefully around her, allowing as wide a berth as possible. She greeted them warmly in return, not even looking at me.

"Hi you," Bella whispered as soon as they were safely in the building, still trying to keep our physical relationship discreet. Happily she didn't know how impossible it was to keep our private life, well, private when there were so many annoying vampires around to hear, smell, and predict it.

"Hello Isabella," I replied, relishing the feeling of her beautiful name on my lips. Her eyes darkened with a now-familiar look of desire.

"C'mon," she said, sinking her teeth into her plump bottom lip in a way that made venom flood my mouth while simultaneously sending a rush of sensation through lower areas of my anatomy. "10th grade biology has gone on a field trip. There's an empty classroom just going to waste."

"Wait," I said, as she tugged uselessly on my hand, trying to move me forward. "I can't skip class, we have to be model students—" I broke off as she dropped my hand and her face fell at my rejection. I pulled the door open and put my hand carefully on the small of her back to usher her through. "Oh, well, maybe Alice will make an excuse for me." I said, following her toward the empty classroom. She really was going to be the death of me.


	15. Chapter 15

**Your Love is My Drug**

_Graphic material, please don't read if you'll be offended._

Even though it was the most pleasure I had ever known, these trysts with Edward the last few weeks somehow also felt like a punishment, because I always had to leave him. I could never tell him what he meant to me. I could borrow him for a few hours, but he would never be mine. Yet the more I had of him, the more I wanted. I was starting to understand the feeling of addiction. You know something is bad for you. You know you shouldn't do it. Yet you find yourself throwing everything aside in its pursuit. You think about it all the time. Alcohol, Oxy, Ecstasy, it all paled in comparison to the way it felt when Edward kissed me. His lips gently sucked away all conscious thought and left me a shivering, moaning, mess. He used to be so careful with me, I could practically hear him chanting _don't bite her don't bite her don't bite _to himself when we kissed. But now, when he pressed his lips to mine, he seemed entirely focused on that one act. On me. It wasn't at all like kissing other guys either, it didn't feel like a he was just trying to distract me with his lips while his hands started working on something else. Even when his hands, to my delight, did start to work on my body, somehow it felt like they were completely focused as well. It must be a vampire thing, this ability to give your undivided attention to several activities at once.

Angry Bella and Slutty Bella were no longer giving me advice about what to do, they were letting my new friend, Bad Idea Bear, do all the talking. He was a fluffy little bitch with a high-pitched voice, but he had a way of making his suggestions sound reasonable. _Take off your panties _he trilled that first night with Edward, when it seemed that we might have to slow down and go back to talking. _Reach over there and stroke his dick_ he'd recommended while Edward and I were driving home from school. Even Edward's flawless driving and unwavering control hadn't stood up to that test, and he'd nearly swerved into a tree. I smiled at the memory of what had happened after we pulled over. He did seem to enjoy himself when he finally trusted himself enough to let me touch him. He even let out a few curses when I'd taken in my mouth and muttered some weird 1920s slang about me being a bearcat and the berries. _Take him to an empty classroom. _Taken. _Write him a dirty text message. _Sent. _Touch him. _Done. _Touch yourself. _Without even blushing. _Bite him. _Even I had sense enough to disregard that idea. If I wanted to flirt that seriously with danger, I could just go cliff-diving again.

We hadn't had sex yet, but Bad Idea Bear was definitely playing around with the idea. I brought it up with Edward in a roundabout way, and was somewhat surprised that although he seemed very worried about the safety issues, he didn't seem set on holding onto his V-card. I could understand that having me suddenly start bleeding my enticing singer blood at the very moment when he was losing his own virginity, and therefore would be as most out of control and absorbed in his own pleasurable sensations as he could ever expect to be, could create a certain element of danger. Not that I should really mind if he bit me, considering I used to beg him to do that on a daily basis when he was actually my boyfriend, but I wasn't looking to get drained dry if he lost control, and it certainly would cause a lot of problems for his family. I'd always been a solution-oriented girl, so I suggested that he take my technical virginity first with his fingers, then do the real thing when we were sure there wouldn't be any blood. He gave me a look that was half-horror, half desire, and refused flat out. I then demanded that he do it, or I would find someone else to do it. I guess he thought he meant I would find someone else altogether, and that we would stop hooking up, because he gave me a desperate look like a teenaged boy who just realized he'd have to give up cold turkey the sexual activities he'd waited a century to engage in, and ever so grudgingly agreed. In the end, my blood turned out to be almost too much even when only his fingers were fucking me, Edward very nearly lost control and violently tore himself away, crouching in the far corner of my bedroom licking his fingers like an addict on his last bump. After he'd calmed down and his eyes lost their wild look, he'd apologized very sincerely, and hadn't tried to blame me at all even though I'm pretty sure that my losing patience with his hesitation after he'd gotten me all worked up, and moaning to "just fucking shove your fingers in and do it to me" hadn't helped with the whole control situation. We hadn't quite gotten to part two, Edward and Bella actually have sexual intercourse. I wasn't doing much planning ahead lately, but it felt like we would get there soon.

When we were actually dating, instead of just fucking around, he'd always been firm that, aside from the danger, he wouldn't want to imperil his mortal soul (or mine) any further by engaging in pre-marital hanky panky. Come to think of it, he hadn't said no to anything in quite some time. Sometimes he gave a half-hearted attempt to talk me out of something, but for the most part he acted like I had him wrapped around my finger, which was funny considering he hadn't been in love with me for a really long time, if he even ever really was. I shrugged mentally. I'd obviously given up trying to figure out what made Edward Cullen tick, settling instead for trying to figure out what made Edward Cullen cum. With considerable success, I thought smugly, defiantly.

I needed him all the time. My grades were slipping because I spent all my time in class staring at Edward's long dexterous fingers, remembering where those hands had been and what they had done to me. I hardly ate, I hardly slept. Even when I did sleep, he stalked my dreams. I dreamed that when I kissed him, he transformed from a vampire into a human like a fairytale frog prince, but then he aged his hundred years in moments and turned to dust before my eyes. I dreamed I was struggling deep underwater, and instead of pulling me to the surface, Edward swam down to me and kissed me until I drowned.

Yes, Edward Cullen's "love" was my drug, and I was definitely addicted. So I suppose it shouldn't have come as a surprise that Charlie tried to stage an intervention.

I knew as soon as I walked in the door that something was up because the television was off. Had all sporting events worldwide been cancelled? Then I followed the scent of burnt hair into the kitchen, to find Charlie putting American cheese on some sort of horrible looking fish and cracker casserole. He looked up guiltily, I think I'd caught him trying to cover up the burned parts.

"Bella!" he exclaimed in an overly cheerful way, "You're home early."

"I couldn't go to gym class. Cramps." I lied. Charlie's face reddened predictably.

"I'm glad you're home. I was hoping we could . . . talk." He almost choked on the word. He looked so uncomfortable. He must be really worried, planning this whole scene. I should go easy on him.

"Cha- Dad-"

"Just one minute Bella, let me make a call."

I sighed and went upstairs to drop my stuff. To my surprise, Edward was waiting for me in my room, his long legs casually stretched out on the bed as he leaned against the wall. He returned my surprised smile with a one thousand watt grin that set my skin tingling. "Hi Stalker," I whispered. _Kiss him. Straddle him. Put your mouth on him. Take off his shirt. Take off your pants. Touch him. _Bad Idea Bear was full of bad ideas, even with my dad waiting for me downstairs.

"Bella!" my dad yelled from downstairs, interrupting the voices in my head.

I sighed. "Don't go anywhere," I ordered Edward, giving him what I hoped was a seductive stare. He returned my gaze gently, almost sadly, as he responded. "Where else, am I going to go?"

When I got downstairs my dad had the phone set up on the coffee table in the living room and he was talking loudly into the receiver from about an inch away. I didn't know he knew to use speakerphone. I saw the red light blinking.

"You've got it on mute, Dad." I said punching the button to fix it.

"Bella?" the phone chirped.

"Mom?!" I narrowed my eyes at Charlie. What was this? Not able to face me alone, was he?

"Bella, sweetie, how are you doing? How's school?"

"It's fine, mom. How is spring training going?"

"It's going great! Phil is doing so well. And they got a new mascot! You would love the mascot, he's this adorable—"

"Renee." Charlie interrupted. Mom was so easy to distract.

"Oh, right. Bella, your father and I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Don't tell me, you're splitting up?" I muttered sarcastically, since they'd gotten divorced before I was old enough to sit through that conversation.

Mom let it slide. Usually she would have joined in the charade, she had a vivid imagination and she liked fake drama. "Sweetie. We are worried about you. Your grades have been suffering. Your dad says you aren't eating properly and you aren't seeing your friends. You won't come visit me." How could I leave my addiction? But I could hardly fly him to Phoenix and introduce him as my fuck buddy. "Your dad says you're spending all your time with that boy again, but you keep telling me that you are only friends."

"We are just friends," For once, I wished Edward hadn't come by. This was a humiliating conversation to have within earshot of him.

Charlie looked even more uncomfortable, "Now Bella, I know that isn't true."

"Why can't you both just stay out of it?" I asked, trying to keep my frustration under control.

"Please, Bella." Charlie implored. "This almost killed you last time. Stay away from him."

"No."

"Fine," he responded calmly. "Then you're grounded."

"That's not fair!" I was finally starting to feel like a normal teenager.

"It's for your own good." Renee chimed in, apologetically. I couldn't believe my free-spirited happy-go-lucky mom was taking his side in this.

"I'm eighteen. You can't tell me what to do."

"As long as you're living in my house, you'll follow my rules," Charlie responded. If he wasn't serious, it would have been funny. He sounded exactly like a parody of a parent.

"Fine."

"Fine?"

"Fine, I'll move." And I turned heel and raced upstairs. Edward was still waiting for me, distracting himself with a game on his phone or texting his family. When I slammed the door closed he locked his phone and raised one perfect eyebrow at me in question. I practically ran across the room and threw myself into his arms, hiding my face against his marble chest. He wrapped his stone arms around me. He let me stay like this quietly for a while I collected myself. "Sorry," I muttered as I pulled myself together and backed away from him once I realized what an imposition this was on someone who wasn't really in any sort of relationship with me.

He captured my chin gently in his hands, his cold, long fingers soothing my flushed face. "Don't apologize. Do you want to talk about it?" Such good manners he had. But of course usually that was a rhetorical question for him, since everyone else he knew would have been telling him all about it without saying a word.

I shrugged. "I can't really move out. Where would I go?"

He hesitated, and for a golden moment I thought he might offer to let me move in with them. With him. In his room. In his bed. "Would it be easier . . . not to see me anymore?" he asked softly.

My heart sank. "Did Alice see this coming?" I asked, changing the subject. He shook his head. "Alice hasn't been able to get a good read on you lately." That was news. His phone buzzed and he checked it quickly. "Oh. Apparently Charlie is on his way to my house." I snorted. "Did he bring his gun?"

"No, he isn't looking for me," he replied seriously to my joke. "He wants to talk to Carlisle."


	16. Chapter 16

EPOV

**None So Blind as Will Not See**

I should have felt guilty eavesdropping on Bella's conversation with her parents, but after all I'd done in my miserable existence, there didn't seem to be room for any more guilt. I didn't know what to hope for. Her family was right, she should have nothing to do with me. What could I offer her? I could not even pretend to have the strength to end it, but I would accept it should she tire of me. I would be her shadow, following her to college, moving nearby her after graduation, trying to keep her from harm, trying to hope for love for her in another's arms. Someone who she could have a family with. Someone she could grow old with. Someone who wouldn't kill her.

When she came back upstairs she seemed to be concentrating, but she was so difficult to read these days. For the hundred thousandth time, I wished I could read her mind. I held her gently, reveling in the apparent affection, the soft warmth that was different from the searing heat that so often flowed between us recently. Mustering all my strength, I offered her a way out.

"Would it be easier . . . not to see me anymore?" I could barely say the words, it hurt so much to think about not being able to be close to her. She sidestepped the question, and worry stabbed my heart. To my relief, I didn't have time to continue this conversation with her, I wanted to get home in case Carlisle needed me, or in case Charlie wanted to talk to me. I quickly made sure Bella was okay, then leapt from her window into the dark night.

When I arrived home, Alice was waiting for me.

"What have you done to Bella now?" she burst out accusingly as soon as I slipped in the back door.

"Nothing! Nothing," I replied, belatedly wracking my brain for ideas.

"Well that's not what Charlie thinks," she huffed, and stomped dramatically from the room. I sighed, maybe I shouldn't have come home so fast, I couldn't hear Charlie, but I could _hear _him. What's more, I could see what he was talking about as he remembered.

_You don't understand. You weren't here. When you left before, it wasn't like a kid going through a breakup. It was like somebody died. It was like _Bella _died. _

_Charlie – I understand your concerns, but believe me, the separation was hard on Edward too, he cares deeply for Bella, I don't think that the answer is—_

_He cares? He cares? How can you believe that! He doesn't care! Not a single call. Not a letter or a visit. And then the second he crooked his finger, she went running back to him. He wants her at his beck and call. _

_Now Charlie, that isn't fair, the reason that Edward didn't call—_

I could see through Carlisle's mind that Charlie's face was getting redder and redder as he got more upset, and with his next sentence he turned absolutely purple.

_I think they're having sex! _

I choked. We weren't . . . technically having sex. That probably wouldn't comfort him to hear.

_He is _using _her. And I know exactly how it ends. _

I cringed as Charlie replayed the images of Bella growing thin and wan, wasting away before him. Her expression was dulled, her beautiful eyes lackluster. His thoughts normally weren't that clear to me, but this, this he recalled vividly. I didn't hear Carlisle's response. Probably he defended me, although I don't know how. All I could do was watch in horror as Charlie remembered what I had done. She looked as I did while we were apart. Was her near-drowning even an accident? She could not possibly have forgiven me. I did not deserve to be with her. I certainly didn't deserve to touch her. I had to the end this. I couldn't hurt her anymore, I had to stay away from her.

My concentration on their conversation was interrupted by Alice, her thoughts flooding mine as she was overtaken by a vision. A vision I knew all too well, but this time it was wasn't fuzzy, and it wasn't replaced moments later by one of Bella as a vampire. It was a crystal clear picture, full of certainty and imminence. Bella lay dead and cold, pale and still in the arms of a dead man who wore a stone face that bore my features. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. I fell to my knees, and Alice moved over to me after she recovered from her trance.

"Oh Edward," she murmured looking down at me with undisguised pity. "You have seen what I have seen. There were only ever two futures. You can't stand against it."

Those two futures, how I had struggled against them both, but every step that made one fade sharpened the image of the other, like a cosmic seesaw. In one, Bella was a vampire. A young vampire, still in her teens when she was turned. In the other, she was dead, and one way or another, I had killed her.


	17. Chapter 17

BPOV

**All By Myself**

I had never minded being alone at the house when I first moved to Forks. Charlie worked odd hours, and I enjoyed quietly immersing myself in a book. Then, after Edward and I started dating, I almost never was truly alone. When your overprotective, possessive boyfriend doesn't sleep and only eats once a week, there are remarkably few private moments. After Edward confessed his true feelings and left me shattered and deserted, the emptiness of the house mocked me and I suddenly found myself dreading the solitude I had once appreciated. Every creak of the old house reminded me of silent footsteps. Every breeze brought to mind a man who could move so quickly that I only felt the wind as he flew by. I thought it would be better after he returned to Forks, since I would at least see him during the school day, and that would be enough for me to manage, like a functioning alcoholic still scraping through the work day. Instead, his presence without his affection had the opposite effect. I felt more alone than ever. It was like giving someone who was dying of thirst a picture of a glass of water as comfort.

A large part of the reason I started hanging out with Jessica and Lauren so much might have been that I couldn't stand to stay home anymore. I went out so that wouldn't have to listen to the silence of his absence or see its bleak corners in every room.

Tonight, though, it was a relief when Edward left me, dashing home to help his family with my father's clumsy, well-intentioned attempts to protect me. I didn't need an audience as I quietly fell to pieces. _Would it be easier . . . not to see me anymore. _His parting words echoed painfully in my skull. So readily he let me go, as though he were only waiting for an excuse to end our daliance. He had an eternity at his disposal, but not time enough for me. I curled upon myself in ball on my bed and stared unseeingly ahead. I couldn't go on like this. I had to leave town. I needed to be far, far away from here. But there was nowhere to go. No matter where I ran away to, I would still be me. I would still be alone. I could never see him again, because I knew now that there was no hope, and if I saw him again, I wouldn't survive.

I was roused from my stupor by a soft knocking on the front door. I dragged myself downstairs and peaked through the curtains of the living room window to see who it was. I sighed. The universe was determined to break my heart every day of my life. He looked completely perfect, as always, although his face was sad, or something more, he looked almost tormented, the way he used to look when he was struggling against his bloodlust to be near me. _Maybe he came to kill me_, I thought, not unhappily.


	18. Chapter 18

**Come to My Window**

"You usually come in the window," I said accusingly, without opening the door wide enough for him to come in. His beautiful lips still caught my eyes, and I found myself staring. This truly was a sickness, that I could still want to kiss him even as he destroys me over and over. I ached to put his mouth on mine, if only to keep myself quiet. Instead I bit my lip to keep words that I didn't want to say from falling out of my mouth. _Why don't you love me. _He gazed down at me sincerely, tenderness seeping through his long lashes. _Why am I not enough. Why did you leave. What are you going to do with me now. _Edward's eyes darkened as my teeth sank into the soft flesh.

"Don't do that," he rasped lowly, gently freeing my lip with his dexterous fingers. I raised one eyebrow at him. _Who said you could tell me what to do. _"It makes me . . . jealous."

I backed away from him and gestured for him to sit on the couch. I curled up in my dad's armchair, eyeing him like the dangerous animal he was. Now what? He sat for a second and then leapt to his feet and paced the room, his obvious unease at odds with his graceful movements which were still as smooth and lithe as a caged jungle cat.

"I need to explain, about what I said—when I said- I lied. I've lied to you," he practically babbled, pulling his hands through his mussed hair. Where was my cool under pressure, always says the right thing, never ruffled Edward? I waited for him to go on. He had already explained this months ago, did I look so slow that it needed repeating?

"…I know."

He looked at me strangely and narrowed his eyes.

"I know. I remember. _I'm only sorry I let it go on so long," _I quoted back to him, bitterness seeping in despite my attempt to sound offhand and matter of fact. _You always knew. It was your own delusion that made the dream so devastating._

His long legs folded beneath him and he sank back into the couch. He looked up with me with sadness and confusion swimming in his emerald eyes, misery etched across his stone face. "You knew how I really felt and you still asked me to come back to be friends with you? You _knew _the whole time? When you kissed me? When I came back and tried to tell you again, you knew? While we were . . . when I . . . when you . . . you _knew?_" his voice cracked and he looked as though he would cry if he could.

_I don't understand. _

"For God's sake, were you sent to earth with the sole purpose of tormenting me?"

_I'm the victim here. _

"I cannot do this anymore, Bella. You have broken my heart. You have broken me."

"I broke _your _heart?" I screamed hysterically. "I loved you when you finally admitted you didn't want me and that you had been lying to me. I loved you when you left me alone and it almost killed me. I loved you when you wouldn't turn me even to save my life. I loved you when," _sob _"I told you" _sob _"I only wanted to be _friends_," I spat the word. "I loved you when . . . I never stopped. I'm sorry that it makes you feel bad," I whispered, "but there is nothing to be done."

Suddenly a pair of cold arms were wrapped around me, and I was pressed gently to a stone chest. Despite myself, I felt calmer, dangerously soothed by this tempting embrace. "Oh Bella," he whispered. "What a fool I have been. How could you not know, my darling girl? It was the darkest blasphemy, and I should never have done it. I didn't lie when I told you a hundred times that I loved you. I lied when I told you that I _didn't _love you. I do. I do love you and I have never for a moment stopped."


	19. Chapter 19

**Deservation**

I carefully extricated myself from the cold comfort of his stone embrace. My heart pounded loudly against my chest, yet I felt eerily calm, as though I were watching the scene unfold from a great distance. "What do you mean?" I asked, tearing my eyes from his emerald gaze as I backed away from him.

"I do love you Bella. Please, you have to believe me. You don't have to forgive me. You don't have to love me back, or even see me again, but you must know."

"… but you … why did you leave? Why did you say … what you said?"

"Because I didn't deserve you!" I opened my mouth to argue, but he quickly went on.

"I'm possessive. I'm moody, and prone to losing my temper. For God's sake, can you have forgotten? I'm a murderer. I love you more than I ever dreamt anyone could, and I always will. How can I prove it to you?" His impassioned plea tore at my heart. I closed my eyes against his miserable visage.

This was a question I had considered many times, for I had often nearly succumbed to the delusion that perhaps he did care for me, but I always remembered what he refused to do, and then I knew that it was a lie all along. "There is a way you could have proved it." I whispered. "But you already gave me the answer."

"Please. How can I show you? What do I have to do?"

I held out the underside of my wrist to him, the same one that already bore the scars of his razor teeth. "If you truly loved me, you would want to keep me." I whispered, daring to look up at him as he moved closer and automatically reached toward my extended arm, halting his own hand millimeters from mine as though we were separated by an impenetrable wall.

The bright pleading passion in his eyes faded to pale ash.

"So to prove I love you, I have to kill you?" he asked, his voice gravelly and low, almost threatening.

"Haven't you been listening to Alice? I know what she sees. It hasn't changed has it? I don't have a future. I was supposed to die in the parking lot that day. You've been fighting fate since you stopped that van."

"Bella, if I were to 'give you eternity' the way the Volturi wish, all you will get in return is me."

"That's the only thing I want."

"You don't understand what you are asking for. I can't change you. I won't. You deserve a _life._"

" But what if I was dying, the way you were when Carlisle found you? You wouldn't even change me to save my life?"

Edward started to reply, but he didn't get a chance to tell me his answer. Instead, I found out what Edward would and wouldn't do the hard way.


	20. Chapter 20

**Don't Say a Prayer for Me Now, Save it Til the Morning After**

"But what if I was dying, the way you were when Carlisle found you? You wouldn't even change me to save my life?"

"You aren't dying. _Nothing _is going to happen—"

Edward broke off as I snatched a knife from the counter and pressed its thin blade to my wrist. Slow and human I might be, but Edward was far too used to everyone announcing their intentions with their thoughts and I'd caught him off guard. I met his angry gaze defiantly as the sharp edge cut into my pale skin, a heavy droplet of blood forming at its point. My blood looked so blue beneath my skin, flowing within my veins, it was strangely fascinating to watch it flash to a brilliant red the instant it hit the air, never to be changed back. Edward's cell phone began to vibrate softly and I glanced involuntarily at the glowing screen. Alice. _Too late pixie. _But in my moment of distraction, Edward snatched the knife from my hand, so swiftly and gently that I hardly felt its loss and the fingers of my right hand remained curled around the handle of a weapon of only air.

Edward studied the sweet red liquid staining the knife's blade silently, his impassive expression belied by the tense set of his jaw and the stillness of his chest as he dared not breathe in the temptation. He licked his lips. Pain flickered across his face and he held the offending item farther away from his body even as his long fingers gripped it tighter. With his arm extended, and the bloodied point of the blade turned away from him, he almost looked as though he was threatening, rather than saving me.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang, like a car backfiring right beside me. I stumbled forwards, startled, reaching automatically for Edward to steady me, but he wasn't there. I grabbed ahold of something hard and sharp as I pitched haphazardly toward the floor, but I never felt the impact. Instead, there was strange thunk, a fiery pain in my chest, and the world as I knew it came to an abrupt and clumsy end.


	21. Chapter 21

**Don't Say a Prayer for me Now, Save it Til the Morning After**

_Hi everyone, sorry for the long hiatus. I decided to wrap this fic up, I was having a tough time writing about being a vampire. So I'm backing the story up and re-writing it. I decided Bella has been through enough and she doesn't need a freaky power and continued angst. This is it, the final chapter, I'm changing it a bit and I'm marking the story complete. I've also gone back and added a few details to previous chapters to make it more consistent, nothing major._

_If you want an epilogue to wrap up the loose ends and give Edward and Bella a chance to explain their feelings more, let me know and I can add one._

_Warning: lemons. _

_Pain._ I awoke to what should have been a haze of pain, but my senses remained cruelly clear and sharp. Excruciating pain shot through my legs and arms, daggers pierced my neck, a vise crushed my head, my heart pounding loudly, the ache growing with each throbbing pump. The pain washed over me in waves, and even as I cringed beneath each crest, I relished it as I recognized the searing acid eating me alive. Venom. I was exhilarated. I was going to get what I wanted. _I win. _I chanted. _Win win win._

Vampires always spoke of transformation as burning, like being set on fire. In reality it was much, much worse. _Win. _It was like being slowly dipped in acid. It was like cutting open your nerves and flaying them to nubs one by one. _Win._ I heard someone screaming until there was only a hoarse hissing. _Win._

Finally, after what might have been hours or weeks or perhaps a year, my heart gave one slow, final beat, the pain began to ebb and I became slowly aware of my surroundings. I was lying flat on a firm surface, like a doctor's examining table covered in soft fabric. Perhaps because my eyes had been closed for so long, my other senses were heightened. I could hear tiny creaks of wood expanding and contracting with the weather from far away. I could hear insects buzzing far away outside. My limbs were oddly still and disconnected from my rushing mind, so though I started in my head, my body stayed perfectly still.

_Light._ The room was filled with light, sunlight coming from the window, fluorescent light seeping under the closed door, reflected light from a large wood-framed mirror hung upon the wall. Instead of blending together in a whitewash of broad illumination, I could see every source, every reflected beam and shadow, separate, clear, yet somehow woven into coherent and accurate geometries by the time it reached my eyes. _Color. _Dozens of names for colors that had previously seemed redundant synonyms, useless letter arrangements cluttering up the dictionaries—crimson, scarlet, ruby, burgundy, cherry-suddenly seemed inadequate to describe the dozens distinct shades and hues of red in the luxurious oval rug occupying the center of the room. Even the off-white paint of the walls was not solid but eggshell, ivory, cream, crystalline quartz and vanilla.

I glanced down at myself, my gaze somehow taking in and processing every detail of the floorboards, every knot and scuff and waxy spot, in its rapid sweep. I was dressed in an incredibly soft sleeveless white cotton shift, which was simple yet expensive-looking in that it could have been a nightgown or a swimsuit coverup or an elegant cocktail dress just as easily. My legs and arms were bare, and impossibly smooth looking. _Luminous. _It was the only word to describe the pale glowing curves of my skin. I ran my fingers experimentally over one leg. The impromptu caress sent yearning through me. I felt every fingertip on every silken inch. I ached for more.

_Where is _… my mind came up blank. _Who …_ I could picture him, blurrily. I slipped from the table in one swift motion. _I need… _The name came rushing back to me like the tide crashing in. _Edward. _

As though in answer to my mind's plea, the door swung slowly open, and there he stood in the doorway glowing softly in the sunlight like a demigod. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, wearing only worn dark jeans and a tight gray thermal, his feet bare. My legs carried me across the room of their own volition, closing the distance between us in a graceful rush of wind.

He smelled of sweet honey, freshly mown grass, and something musky that was indefinably and intoxicatingly Edward. He gazed down at me through his long dark lashes. My eyes lingered over his features, my body responding to each one, though the memories were hazy but forceful in my mind. I recalled his lips kissing down my neck. His tongue in my mouth, on my skin, on my inner thighs, then higher. His elegant fingers slipping tentatively, then urgently inside of me. His strong hands grasping me desperately against him, pressing my soft figure tightly to his rock hard form, as he struggled to control his desire for my body and my blood. His flat, hard stomach twitching beneath my caress. His strong thighs underneath my small hands. My wet mouth on his smooth, firm skin, with him heavy in my hand, hard as granite.

He stood completely still under my scrutiny, love and a tentative hope shining from his dark eyes as he watched me drink him in. He'd always been the most attractive thing I had ever encountered, but with my newly heightened senses I realized I had never fully appreciated his perfection.

Of their own volition, my hands reached up to touch the V of bare skin exposed by the open buttons at the top of his cotton thermal. The fabric of the cotton clung to his torso appealingly, but I needed to see the detail of his flawless form. I tried to undo more of the buttons, but instead the shirt ripped from sternum to abdomen in my hands and hung open, exposing his muscled male chest, his perfect nipples, his hard rippled stomach above his low-slung jeans. He used to hold his breath whenever we were this close, but now his chest rose and fell under my stare with increasing heaviness. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't focus. I reached tentatively up with both hands, suddenly needing to know if his hair was as soft as I remembered, but still maintaining a few inches of space between my body and his bare chest. I ran my fingers through his soft hair and scratched my nails as gently as I could at the nape of his neck.

With a shudder, Edward pulled me tightly against him, his arms wrapping around me as he leaned his head down to place a gentle kiss on the top of my head. I don't know how long we stood there completely still in each others arms. My mind raced to catalogue the sensations, imprinting the way it felt when he pressed me to him without restraint. I squeezed him back until he made a small "erk" sound in the back of his throat and I realized with a touch of wonder how strong I was now. I loosened my grip and turned my head up, pulling slightly away so that I could look up into his eyes. I got distracted on the way to his eyes though, as soon as my gaze fell upon his lips I knew I couldn't wait another moment to kiss him.

I pulled his head down to me and kissed him, desperate to taste him. Sensing my urgency, he grabbed my waist in his hands and pulled me off the ground and closer to him, possessively spinning us around so that I was trapped between him and the wall. Our tongues moved together, stroking silkily against each other, wet and rhythmic, and oh god, the taste, he tasted like honey and heaven and desire and _Edward. _I wrapped both of my legs tightly around his waist as he pressed me higher against the wall, not caring that it caused my dress to hitch up, exposing half my ass against the cool wood as I suddenly realized with a naughty thrill that I wasn't wearing anything underneath the dress. I thought for a moment that I knew why that was and who had dressed me for this reunion, manipulative little pixie, but as I paused and grasped for her name, Edward strode swiftly to the bed and laid me upon it, effectively refocusing my chaotic mind on him.

He stood uncertainly by the bed for a moment, hesitation on his face battling with what I could clearly see was a bulge of pure, hard lust in his pants. I pulled the white dress over my head and threw it on the floor, ripping its seams in my haste. He looked up and down at my naked form and then hurriedly shrugged off the shreds of his shirt and pressed himself on top of me in one swift movement. I reveled in the delicious weight of him as he rested his lower torso upon me while his lips ravaged my neck, and his hands massaged and squeezed my breasts with an ardor that was almost rough. I could feel him hard against my thigh through his jeans, and I wiggled against his hard length eagerly, shamelessly. He groaned low in his throat and paused at the friction, so I took the opportunity to slip one hand between us, moving my small hand up and down over his jeans. His cock twitched and strained so hard against the denim that I thought it might tear through to me. I pulled my hand back up and slid it down his flat stomach to the waist band of his jeans, sliding my hand down until I reached the silky skin covering his granite hard shaft. Edward's eyes fell closed and his mouth fell open, a rumbling sound that was half-growl, half-purr vibrating through his chest as I wrapped my fingers around as much of him as I could and stroked my hand up and down a few times. "Enough," he rasped, capturing my wrist and meeting my eyes with a searing gaze. "I can't wait anymore. I need you Bella. Now."

A wave of lust surged through me at his heated words, and I nodded dumbly, unable to concentrate enough to speak the words. He looked searchingly into my eyes for a moment while his hand rested upon my cheek, then, apparently satisfied with the open love and desire he read in my face, stood and quickly divested himself of the rest of his clothing. Once we were both naked, I expected him to plunge immediately into me and ease the uncontrollably throbbing ache. Instead he knelt on the bed at my feet, and placed wet, open mouthed kisses up my ankles and calves to my inner knees, and then licked all the way up my inner thigh with one long sweep of his silky tongue. My knees bent and my legs spread wider involuntarily in anticipation at the familiar sensation of his tongue licking its way upwards, and he smiled mischievously up at me, showing off those fucking eyeteeth. I shifted my hips impatiently, a small humiliating whine escaping from the back of my throat. His eyes darkened at the needy sound, and he lowered his head between my legs. I moaned desperately as he lathed his tongue against me, unrestrained for the first time, licking me urgently and pressing his mouth against me, even letting his teeth very lightly scrape against me. Just when I felt I could take no more of his teasing, he pulled back and positioned himself above me, a familiar wild look in his eyes as he struggled to control himself.

"I'll try to go slowly," he murmured. He did go slowly. Agonizingly slow. He pushed into me carefully, bit by bit, inch by inch until he filled me completely. Then he unhurriedly drew back and ever so slowly in again, staring into my eyes the whole time, as though there were no hurry in the world, as though he would do this all night, although I could see his arms trembling with the restraint of it. "Edward, _please_," I begged, "Do it faster." He picked up the pace, fierce concentration written across his face as he thrust faster in and out of me. His eyes left my face and raked up and down my body, intently studying every twist of his hips, every bounce of my breasts. I wrapped my thighs around him, trying to get even closer, _more. _"Harder," I moaned.

Instead of grabbing me harder against him, he automatically grabbed onto the headboard for leverage instead, in an echo of his old fear of accidentally hurting me with his strength. It broke off in his hands and he looked at it for a moment in confusion before tossing it aside. I reached out and put his hands on the sides of my ribs, encouraging him to hold onto me while I rested my own hands above my head, afraid to grab him in passion lest _I_ hurt him. Soon he wasn't just holding on to me, he was grabbing me closer, he was _handling _me, moving my body hard against his own, with determination. His fingers dug into my back and his thumbs pressed against the underside of my breasts and the foot of the bed rocked slightly off the floor with the force of his thrusts. Still I needed _more_. I wanted to caress him, but instead I lowered my hands from above my head and put them on my own chest, massaging and stroking tentatively. Edward saw me touching myself and groaned loudly, thrusting even faster. He looked so beautiful as his muscles worked above me, taking his pleasure from me, giving my pleasure to me. I felt my peak approaching as he picked up speed. My thumbs brushed over my nipples and the sensation shot straight to my core, and I fell over the edge, crying out loudly in my ecstasy. A few erratic thrusts later, Edward stilled and joined me, spilling into me with a hoarse cry of my name.

We lay side by side for a long time after, resting quietly in each others arms, gentle caresses and light kisses taking the place of the urgent embraces that had gripped us before. Finally I pulled away. I turned onto my side to face him, wantonly unashamed of my nudity, resting my hand on the curve of my own bare hip. "You love me," I said, because I knew now, I could see that this was what he always wanted. Whatever he had said, whatever he had done, when he first saw me after I woke up, he had the look of someone who had been given his heart's desire. He smiled. There was some small shadow of regret in his expression, he was still thinking of the life I'd left behind, the life I would never have. But the regret was not mixed with resignation or disappointment, instead it was nearly washed away by happiness. "Yes," he replied gently, "I love you. I _have_ always loved you. I _will_ always love you."

I felt so happy that if it were still physically possible, there would have been tears in my eyes. "Me too," I whispered, and the happiness in his smile grew into joy.

_My name is Bella Swan. I am eighteen years old. I will always be eighteen years old. Edward Cullen is my best friend. Edward Cullen is my lover. Edward Cullen is my mate. And we will never, ever, ever be Just Friends._


End file.
